Out of Sorts

For a myriad of reasons I feel out of sorts.  Work has been hard.  The death of my father-in-law has been hard.  The harsh winter weather has been hard.  People at work have been far less stellar than they could be.  Even exercise has been more of a chore than a pleasure. 

Not that it is on the forefront of my mind at the moment, but in terms of my father-in-law, we are all of course very sad and hurting that he has died.  But, a part of me is hurt and frustrated that he chose to not receive the last round of antibiotics offered to him.  Of course we will never know if they would have been the right type to eliminate his sepsis.  They might have been, but in the same way they may not have had an effect.  It does bother me that he did not want to try.  It was of course his right to not try.  But, it still is disturbing to me on a variety of levels.  It does feel like abandonment of us.  I do not think that was his intent.  But, there is that feeling in many of us. 

It also feels wrong to just keep plugging away at all the day-to-day crap we all deal with.  Because of the timing of his passing and his funeral, it ended up being easier for me to work the normal work week than to have time off which only meant I would have had to work harder and play catch up afterwards.  It was easier than my trying to find someone who could substitute for me and it was easier for my students that I just did my "stuff".  But the "easy" route also has exacted a cost... even though it was easier to just do what I had to do, it has left me on edge and somewhat disoriented.  Many in my family feel that way.  It is part of grief, but it is more difficult without as much time to work through it.

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