Roil

Well.  I did not really feel like trying to sort this all out the last several days.  I am not sure if I wish to today either, but I figure I will take a stab at it:

I remained indecisive when I drove the 45 minute drive over to the cemetery on my Father's birthday.  I had one of his pipes with me, and my pouch of pipe tobacco and lighter.  As it is that time of year, by the time I went over there, it was already starting to encroach upon dusk.

At the cemetery I sat and talked, and reminisced and had images of my father in my mind.


I did not smoke my/his pipe while there.


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I did not smoke my pipe.   Not because I did not want to.   I was eagerly thinking about it for quite a few days, thinking it would be very nice to do.

I did not smoke my pipe.  And, I have been feeling disgruntled about it since that date.  Do not get me wrong.... I haven't been sitting around every day with these thoughts on my mind.   I did the normal things I always have to do.  But, I must state that when I would allow my thoughts to turn to pipes, I would be annoyed..... at myself.

I ended up deciding to NOT smoke my pipe at the cemetery because.... I could not do so without feeling selfish.  I have to admit to myself that my reasons for wanting to smoke a pipe at the grave site IN PART was out of a sense of tradition, and out of a sense of honoring and thinking about my father.   But, I ALSO have to admit that part of my desire to do so was my own selfish interest and desire to smoke the pipe for ME.  Perhaps that could be considered "normal" but realizing that about myself had me feel annoyed at myself, ashamed at myself, and rather p*ss*d off at myself for my inner weakness and self centered focus.

So, in order to try to salvage something from the situation, and to try to fix or at least not succumb to my own selfishness.... I told myself and forced myself to choose to NOT smoke the pipe. And, so, after sitting and thinking more about my father, and talking out loud to my father..... I ended up getting up, and simply traveling home in my truck.

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But, I still, when I think about it, feel aggravated.... at myself... and at the situation. And, truthfully, I am also mad that I did not get to smoke my pipe.  It has taken me a while, but I do admit, that my anger/grumpiness at this situation is sort of like a young kid having a childish "tantrum".  In my mind, I was having a "trantrum" about this situation.   I did not visibly act out with family or friends (fortunately), but INSIDE I felt like I was having a tantrum whenever I would think about pipes.  Stupid.... yes..... but it was my reality.

*  *  *  *  *

For the most part, I believe I have finally let those negative emotions about that situation/decision "go".  I feel.   Even though it is exhausting to try to sort out and write this all down... I believe this will help me keep the negative emotions at bay. 

I still want to smoke a pipe.   I still think about doing so.  But, I at least can take heart that I did not use my father's birthdate as an excuse to indulge selfishly in a pipe because of my desires. 

Still... it is strange..... I would very much like to find a way to smoke a pipe at the grave site on my father's birthday... but I would need it ti be with a pure mindset of honoring him.  And, if I were to ever find the right way to indulge my innate desire for a pipe on an occasional basis, it would not bother me in the slightest that the indulgence was purely selfish and purely for me.  But the mixing of those two divergent motivations made neither motivation feel legitimate. 

PipeTobacco