During

 

The last few weeks truly were completely computer teaching focused.  And of that time, most of the effort (probably 80-85%) was all about DELIVERY of content.... not the actual content itself.  That is the part that so flummoxes and floors me.  Biology CONTENT is what I am a specialist in.  Be it in teaching or research, biology is my "thing".  

DELIVERY of content is a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING.  DELIVERY is its OWN specialty.  But, 80-85% of the last few weeks has had me be pretending to be a DELIVERY specialist.  

That is what made the last few weeks so, so exhausting and made me glued to the computer for around 80 hours a week.  

I *think* I have enough of the DELIVERY aspects of my five courses set up, that I am *hoping* from here on out for the semester, perhaps only 25% of my effort will now focus on DELIVERY, and 75% can focus on biology.  And, I am *aiming* to have a return to approximately a 40 hour work week.  

For a Covid-19 Pandemic world, I feel if I can get to the 25% DELIVERY: 75% BIOLOGY ratio, that will be excellent and sustainable.  It is still vastly different than the pre-Covid life where I estimate my role was 10% DELIVERY: 90% BIOLOGY... mostly because pre-Covid, real world, face-to-face teaching is a whole helluva lot easier and intuitive to deliver.  

* * * * *

During this time, I have been averaging a little under 5 hours of sleep a night.  For health and well-being, I NEED to get that back UP to at least 6 hours.  I *would* like to truly get 8 hours, but that always seems like such a pipe dream.  

The only times I have had that did not involve thinking about delivery of content were a) when I went to sleep (but many dreams ended up being work related nightmares), b) when at Mass, or c) when running.  

When I was thinking while running, I seem to for these last few weeks have been focused on my high school experiences.  While I did have a lot of fun in high school, and belonged to a lot of clubs, played in band (including jazz band), and formed a biology club, was in three high school musicals and all sorts of other things... what kept being my focus during the runs was on how embarrassed, how non-athletic, how clumsy, how shy, and how "husky" I was.  I was always a smart kid, but I hated being the "fat kid", and it was a really hard struggle that I did not really know how to cope with.  The feelings of shame, of embarrassment, of being unworthy, of being a failure are such a part of my junior high school and high school experience primarily because I was a) a "hefty" sized kid in a school of mostly normal weighted kids, b) a smart kid in a school where the majority of the kids didn't give a damn about being "smart" and in fact, tended to value far more those that eschewed learning, and c) a  clumsy kid who did not have any appreciable skills in any sport (or at least anything the high school crowd gave a damn about).  

Even though I "knew" of these experiences and thoughts, and realize that they have influenced my life.  I think I have been feeling more and more how those thoughts, fears, and insecurities in high school are in many ways still inside me.  Even though I now weigh 163lb (74 kg or 11.5 stone at the moment) which is roughly 60lb (27kg or 4.3 stone) less than I did in high school... I still perceive myself to be the "hefty" kid I was in high school.  I view myself and my actions through that same filter of my being the kid who just wasn't as good or as valued as any of the others. 

PipeTobacco