I Am a Putz
You may have noticed (probably much to your relief) that I *did not* talk about pipes and pipe tobaccos last week. This was intentional on my part, but it does not mean I wasn't thinking about pipes and pipe tobaccos.
Well, I purposefully did not write about the beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos because I felt (and feel) like a putz. "Putz" is a Yiddish derived term for a stupid or worthless person who engages in inconsequential or worthless activity.
When I hit the three year mark on refraining from my pipes and pipe tobaccos on February 14th, I had *hoped* I would know and have been able to identify the path that I would then proceed upon in regards to my smoking of my pipes. But, that did not turn out to be the case. My initial notion of allowing myself one pipe-full of tobacco once every two weeks felt unsatisfying and unworkable because a) I believe it would take me a great deal of rather taxing mental fortitude to maintain (and I have scant fortitude of any sort in reserve for anything at the moment), and b) I am nearly certain that given my own wishy-washy resolve at the moment would have certainly meant I would have simply returned to my full, pipes-on-demand (smoking my pipes whenever the mood appeared) approach within the matter of a day or two.
Neither of the above really represented what I *hoped* to do. So, thus far, I have done nothing. I am just maintaining "status-quo". Last week, I purposefully DID NOT write about my pipes and pipe tobaccos because I had feelings of failure about the whole thing. It is frustrating that I cannot figure out some fashion (yet, anyhow) to successfully do what I hope to do. I did not write about these emotions because I was sure folks were sick of my yammerings about it and so I tried to ignore the subject on my blog. But, the subject *did* remain in my mind. So, what good did my not discussing my emotions on my "emotions" blog do? Not a whole helluva lot (except perhaps not bore you as much, I guess).
A friend wrote me an e-mail inquiring as to what path I had taken after the 14th, and was wondering why I had not talked about it on my blog. I did not reply, although I should. I did not really know what to say.
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So, for better or worse, I think I still need to have this space BE the space where I work through this pipe and pipe tobacco predicament. I do apologize that is likely mind-numbing for most. But, this is an important place for me to try to express and work through various emotions, thoughts, and other things. So, at least for the time being, there will still be occasional thoughts here about this topic as I hope to eventually find the path that I hope for.
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Ran 10 miles (~16km) this morning.
162 pounds (73.5kg; 11.5 stone) when I weighed in on Sunday.
Heart Rate = 52 bpm when I first awoke this morning.
Blood Pressure = 100/65 when I awoke.
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I felt quite ravenous when I sat down to work this morning. I ate all my breakfast and lunch within about 30 minutes. I also drank my 64 ounces of iced, black coffee completely before 9:30am. So, until dinner tonight, I will have only 1 apple and iced water to consume as my dog keeps me company as I cyborg away the remainder of the workday. Normally, Monday's are face-to-face at the U, but today was the one Monday of the semester that I had this group have an electronic experience as the lab I would normally teach on this day of the semester is not able to be meaningfully conducted while maintaining proper social distancing.
PipeTobacco
5 Comments:
I wonder whether, instead of agonizing over your pipe-smoking predicament, you might do well to spend some time (1) learning some techniques for deep relaxation and (2) figuring out how you can become a less fearful person?
Right now, it seems you want two contradictory outcomes: to be widely accepted as a pipe-smoker. You want acceptance and you want to be a pipe-smoker, but in your present environment you fear that you can't have both outcomes.
So, instead of trying to have both, which you can't unless you change your environment, maybe the best you can do is reduce your fear, and learn how better to relax and not be gripped by fear. Perhaps from a position of less fear you would feel better about whatever choices you might make?
I don't think your putz. You come across as kind and honest or maybe should open.
Coffee is on and stay safe
I didn't realize that Putz was such a strong word.
Professor...You do what I do. Overthink every little thing. I had to overcome that to become a pipe-smoker...and even now, I don't consider myself a smoker like you once were. It requires a lot futzing that has not yet become instinctive to me. The packing, the lighting, the breathing cadence, the relighting, the tamping, the ashing....suddenly it becomes too much work when it SHOULD be relaxing...
Quite interesting "yammerings", in a way. 100/65 seems very low to me, I would collapse at that, indeed I have done. (Wandering in from seeing you on someone's blog list)
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