Break

 

Yesterday's writing was rather exhausting, so I am taking a bit of a break from continuing on what I was writing until Monday.  

The comments I received from all of you, however, caused me to think a bit, and I have been pondering them a great deal.  At one level, I can understand the reactions to my telling of these harsh events that had happened in my life.... and I definitely appreciate the concern and the guidance and well wishes.  

However, in the same vein, I get a sense that some are feeling these harsh events are.... I do not know how to state it correctly... but perhaps "out of the ordinary" is the best way to say this.  I am not really sure how to think about this.  For me, as my life has progressed, these harsh things (fortunately) only occurred a small number of times.  I have always just kind of assumed that most folks had their own list of "harsh things" that they too have had to deal with in life.... and like me, for the most part.... they keep these events deep inside themselves... trying to keep them tucked away... out of day-to-day life, because what can actually be done about them?  In reality, nothing can be done.  They happened, and they were experienced.  That does not change.  

For example, when I spoke of the fellow who attempted to outrun the train.... in the aftermath of the event... I had asked my parents what happened to the fellow.  They had told me that he had to be hospitalized, but that he recovered.  I also asked about his leg.  My parents told me that unfortunately his leg could not be reattached, so he had to use crutches.  To this day, though.... I am not really sure about this event.  If I were to hazard a guess as an adult... I am thinking the fellow may have actually died from his injuries at the scene, but that my parents may have wanted to shield me from that.  I am not sure, however.  But I am not sure if it is important or not for me to personally know what happened in the end.  

In a similar vein, when my wonderful dog was killed, initially I felt horrifically guilty.  I thought that if I had only come home a bit later the speeding car would not have been there, or that if my dog had been on her leash like she nearly always was when she was in the front yard, it would not have happened, or if the hot rodder had driven some other route it would not have happened.  But.... it DID happen, and there wasn't anything to do or think about that could change that.  

But, in the greater scheme of things... I have always presumed these traumas were pretty "normal" and that everyone has their own list of them that they inadvertently recall and relive if they are unfortunately forced into a darker mental space.   I mean, there are MANY who have experienced far more deep horrors in life than I have experienced, thought of or even imagined.  

The other thing I realized yesterday, after I had written out my experience of the things I was cursing God about, was that during that time, I did not think about or mention any of the suicides I have experienced over the years.  By writing out my feelings, I realized these horrific suicides and suicide attempts that affected my family felt "different" to a degree.  What I realized I had been roiling and cursing and condemning during this dark time were those events that were "random".  Perhaps the reason cursing about the suicides and suicide attempts did not come to mind during that time was because they were to some degree more "purposeful" by the person.  Again, I am not really sure.... just speculating about why my mind had not thought of them during this very bleak period.  If you may not have been reading when I wrote of the suicides, the post can be found here.  

PipeTobacco