Not Sure What to Write
I am not really sure what to write anymore.
- My friend's funeral is not for several days yet. Relatives from far across the country are going to be attending. His wife has had him cremated. She has asked me to help with a photographic memory wall. I have been visiting, getting photos, scanning photos, making prints of photos. Eventually this weekend perhaps, I will help her affix the images to the physical boards she wants to use.
- The new semester has started. And, because of all this tragedy and heartache, my courses are utter chaos. I have been able to "hide" it from the students to a degree by being careful.... but if I do not get my ducks in their right rows soon, it will be like the collapse of a house of cards.
- I am emotionally dead at this time. Too many things over this past year. There is no other way to state it. I am emotionally dead and expired.
- I am unprepared and unstructured in all my classes because my friend's death occurred at perhaps one of the most challenging times for professors.... just a very brief while before the start of a semester. I need to sit and devote all day, every day during the Labor Day Weekend to fix and set up all the crap I neglected. But, truthfully, I do not want to. I am utterly exhausted from this first week back to ALL face-to-face instruction since Covid hit. I am untterly exhausted from trying to shout THROUGH A MASK at the top of my lungs for multiple hours a day to ~150 students in the enormously large lecture hall. Trying to fill that space with my voice WHILE MASKED is not an easy feat.
Through it all, some things have stayed constant.
- I have been running my damnable ~9-10 miles (14-16km) every day like usual. Right now I actually hate it most mornings. In order to make it to the U for classes, I have to hit the pavement by around 4:45am or at least by 5:00am in order to have enough time to get everything ran, get ready, get to the U, etc. I am achy and sore as hell most mornings, and it takes about 5-6 miles before I loosen up enough where I fell physically normal.
- "Pipe Fever" has returned with a vengeance. There have been many times I have been just about damn sure I was going to start smoking my pipes again. But, I have staved off the decision. Not because I don't want to smoke my pipes. Only because I need to NOT act rashly.... just because I WANT to. I need to act in a way that displays due thought and diligence.
That is about all I have got at the moment.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
"Diligent" sure seems to be a good word to describe you, Professor! To keep on running despite such discouragement; well, that's a character trait not too many people have nowadays. And even your resolve to go back to your pipes, but only when you can return to them as a joy rather than as a crutch.
Do you have any advanced or highly capable graduate students who might enjoy the opportunity to support you in your course preparation and/or administration? One of the great joys of my M.A. program came when my advisor was overloaded one semester and asked if I would be willing to help with some of his undergraduate courseload, though I wasn't officially a teaching assistant or research assistant.
If your lecture hall is that large, I'm going to guess that it has some kind of sound system. Can your campus AV/IT folks set you up with some kind of microphone to help your voice carry throughout the hall?
As for being emotionally dead at the moment, all I can say is that I hope you are being primed for a "rebirth" in the near future when you've handled or eliminated the present stresses. In the meantime, find the tiniest of joys and build on those as you are able.
Be kind to yourself, Professor! If you applied the same diligence to your self-acceptance as you do to your many challenges, I think you'd see breakthroughs in a number of areas. So, be well, kind sir!
You are in the midst of the grief process about too many people and things, so the fact that you're able to manage at all is an enormous feat. You didn't mention your child so I hope that is resolved or better at least. Think of you often. P.S. My older daughter started her first day back teaching at her college and dropped her laptop on her toe. Then today her baby was sick so she had to cancel class. Not an auspicious start.
I have been wondering about you and figuring that life couldn't be easy for you at the moment. I hope that you are able to get organized on the weekend and can appreciate that you sure don't feel like it.
I can only read about the things you have been through and wonder how you manage to keep going. I hope you will feel better soon, that this deadweight mood will lift.
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