Trying
The word "trying" has three definitions that I know of:
1. trying - to make an effort to do something : to attempt to accomplish or complete something
2. trying - to do or use (something) in order to find out if you like it
3. trying - difficult or annoying; hard to endure
I believe that each of the three definitions applies to me today.....
1. I am trying to force myself to be back here writing again as I know it is good for me and that I miss all of you who comment.
2. I am trying to fit into a regular schedule to allow me time each day to write here which I believe I will like.
3. Times lately have been awfully damn trying to my mental, physical, and emotional health.
At least until I get into the routine, I think I will use the trusty "bullet points" to try to get down as many of the thoughts that swirl around in my mind as I can. It seems to work reasonably well, and with bullet points, segues are not necessary.... and it is a bit easier and more rapid for me to write:
- My friend's service was quite emotional. I shall have to write more about my descriptions of the service. I am still processing a lot of it.
- My other friend, the one who became ill in July with a stroke... the one I had been visiting quite regularly..... unfortunately, he is now currently in a facility where he is being monitored and evaluated because he contemplated and threatened suicide. I am not sure how long he may be held for evaluation.... but he is not allowed visitors, and he may now be banished from the assisted living space he was at. I am not sure where he may end up, but I fear with his current needs it may have to be farther away.
- Emotionally, I still feel dead inside. I do not laugh. I do not cry. I do not feel sorrow. I DO feel anger..... or I feel nothing. So, I guess I am not emotionally "dead" if I have at least two options.
- I believe that running is perhaps the only thing keeping me "sane" at the moment. I am very soon to hit a significant milestone for me. But, more important that the milestone is that it is the primary way that I have at the moment to reduce stress. The 10 miles (16km) I ran at 5:00am this morning helped me to be a calmer, less hurt and angry person. My running 53-55 miles (85 - 89 km ) a week is important for me.
- Another "bright spot" for me is that CURRENTLY my one kid who was making extremely bad/poor choices has not acted on these choices.... even though I still have considerable stress because the choices could pop up again at any moment. But, NO ACTION is t a whole lot easier to swallow at the moment.
- My wife's vehicle is going downhill and I am needing to again try to gently coax my wife into making a decision for her replacement vehicle. It is not an easy task.
- My wife's care for her insulin insensitivity is quite poor and this is adding additional layers of stress to my day. I cannot, of course, control her choices. She and I have talked so, so many times about paths she could take that would very much improve her health.... and could even possibly reverse her insensitivity to insulin. I worry so much about her. We have talked about plans and choices and how she needs to commit to consistent aerobic exercise, significant water intake, portion control, and a low fat diet in order to create a BMI change that will induce her cells to make more insulin receptors. She knows and agrees with what I suggest, but her perseverance in pursuing these things never lasts more than two or three days.
- With all of the above, my start of the semester has not been a "smooth pavement" but has instead been rocky as hell. I am in a mode where I am having minimal preparation time for class. The little I DO get typically occurs as me being frantic in trying to get things done in the 15 minutes before class. My voice is chronically hoarse from talking in my "masked big voice" so I can be heard in the damn lecture hall.
- At night, if I get to dream, I am always hoping to have a "pipe dream". But, I have not been recalling ANY dreams of any sort of late. I would love to become lost in a cherished memory of my pipes and pipe smoking, or become engrossed in a new dream about my favored hobby. I am afraid dreaming may have left me both when awake and when asleep.
That is about it for today. I am truly going to try to once again write every weekday at least.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
To the best of my understanding, we all dream, whether or not we remember our dreams. It's apparently a biological imperative. So, you can console yourself with the thought that your dreams are likely full of pipes and tobaccos, delighting your subconscious every night, even though in your present state remembering those dreams might be too much for your conscious self, at least until other aspects of your life become less trying.
As for the anger you feel, are you able to sit quietly and assess why the anger is arising and where it is targeted? If it is arising for a "why" that is within your power to change, perhaps then you could lessen its arising? Or, if the anger isn't diffuse but is indeed aimed at one or more targets, perhaps you could either remove those targets from your life or work for some kind of acceptance/reconciliation?
Either way, you know you are capable of feeling joy. The years of this blog are testimony to the joy you found in your pipes, and I'm sure there are other joys scattered about your personal and academic pursuits. If you can better understand and diminish your anger, maybe that will make room for the return of some joys? Just a thought and a hope, Professor!
You've told your wife how you feel and what you think, and now it has to be her decision. That's hard to accept. My younger daughter is the Queen of poor decisions and has recently made several. I've pointed them out to her while trying to be supportive. But it is very trying!
Sometime we have to push and or try. Glad to hear from you.
I'm going to start seeing a therapist.
Coffee is on and stay safe
You feel things deeply, and you have lots of things to feel right now. For some reason, I am thinking of the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. I am not sure if it applies, but it came to mind anyway as music tends to do.
Momentary pleasure is stronger pull on some rather than long term betterment. This is why people become overweight. It is hard to overcome your stronger inclinations, and some have stronger yearnings than others. I have those chips or cookies although I know that I don't need them and that they're not good for me because I feel better in the moment.
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