Still Not a Lot
Due to the demands upon me (that I am trying to reduce), I am still finding it difficult to fit in the many things I would like to do in a day. Thus, my post today will be shorter than I would wish.
Bullet lists help:
- I have been feeling very, very sad and overwhelmed. As I have been stating for several weeks, I feel too damn busy for my own good. Too many demands on me.
- I was also feeling an acute resurgence in both anger and sadness about my work relationships. As you know I have been working this Lent to be forgiving of the two that hurt me so. As you may recall, one person of this duo is just a person who I dislike and need to learn to forgive. I am having a bit of success with this individual. But, the other person of these two is a FORMER very close friend. I still feel hurt, confused, and angry about my relationship with this individual. And, I actually do not KNOW or UNDERSTAND what happened either. I have *tried* at least 3-4 times a year for at least four years to talk with this person to discuss what happened and to try to repair the friendship. I last tried this in late Fall of 2019. After my asking this person if we could talk "about our relationship" this person nearly bit my head off, so I stopped trying to talk with the individual after that point.
- Running has not been helpful. With my damn treadmill broken, running and getting my milage in has been a huge struggle. It is difficult for me currently to get running in (without mask wearing) because of how dark it is still in the mornings. It will not be until AT EARLIEST near the beginning of May where there is enough light EARLY ENOUGH in the day, that I can run outside BEFORE heading to work.
- My wife has been having significant challenges with her Type 2. This has added to my feelings of being on edge.
- My wife came down with some sort of bronchial infection (not Covid, she tested for it). She has had this now for three weeks, and it has been nerve wracking. She has not felt good, has been feeling lethargic, has a very strong persistent cough. Her feeling sick makes her feel "distant" from me, so that adds to my loneliness. Her feeling sick also makes her feel a bit grumpy at me, which is hard. My fear of catching what she has also added to my stress. AND, unfortunately I *DID* catch the damn bug she had (has).
- As is common for us when we get sick, the illness seems to last and linger in my wife, but for me it length of stay in my body tends to be shorter. In my case with this illness, I have had all the exact same symptoms and issues my wife has been (and continues to) experiencing but my illness time frame began last Thursday, and I felt back to normal on Sunday (other than my voice being a bit weaker from having coughed most of the day Saturday).
- Plus there have been dozens of "immediate need" requests from the kids, which then has occupied many of our evenings during the last couple of weeks as well.
- And there are a sh*tl**d of deadlines I need to meet for submitting abstracts and for grading student assignments that I am missing right and left.
There are more things, but I am running out of time. That is all I can list for today.
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
Professor, I can see how a former friend might be offended, and maybe even a bit unsettled by, a desire to talk "about our relationship" when there is no relationship. "Our" may imply a shared trust and affection that is no longer mutually present, and may even come across as stalker-ish and a bit creepy.
Instead, maybe you could gently and humbly tell your former friend, "I wish I could heal the breach you feel between us, but even if I can't I would like your honest feedback. I'm trying to become a better husband, father, and friend, and I don't want to create animosity with others as I've done with you. What would you suggest I do to be a better person, especially a better friend?"
You might end up being hurt by the answer, but at least you would have established (1) you are willing to work to heal the breach, (2) you value your old friend's opinion, however painful, and (3) you respect your old friend's prerogative to remain distant, if that's his preference.
If, after reaching out in that way, you still get nothing but a rebuff, your effort will still have planted a small seed toward future healing... especially if, along the way, you can express genuine appreciation or praise for some things this person has done in the four years since you last talked. Your former friend has a right to keep the friendship a former one, but that shouldn't stop you from offering whatever genuine approbation you can muster.
Especially if this former friend is a "work-friend" or "church friend" and personal feelings are intermixed with judgments about decisions the two of you have made, reconciliation may be difficult, but if you make it clear to your old friend that you are not reaching out with demands or expectations, perhaps you can at the very least "de-fuse" whatever remaining hurt or anger remains, even if the two of you aren't yet in a place where a friendship can be shared.
Unless, of course, this former friend was your tobacconist. In that case, forgive unilaterally, give lots of approbation, and apologize profusely for the lack of business you've given him in the last four years.
Friendships can come and go; I'm realizing that it's normal. I tend to hold on too tightly. Also...it's OK to dislike people. It doesn't mean you hate them, want to do them harm or wish them ill--just as we don't like every food, we won't like every person. Hope your wife gets better soon. That's difficult and exhausting when symptoms hang on for a long time. Deep breaths and hang in there, my friend!
I have to wonder how long you actually wanted this post to be. 😀
(That was written in good humour.)
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