Yo-Yo

 

Another day of bullets:

• Ran 13.5 miles (~22km) starting at 5:15am.  Was not really feeling like running this morning.  However, I knew if missed, I would feel additional pressures to meet my weekly goal, so I pushed myself (a bit grudgingly) to get it done.
• A few weeks ago, I found out that I had been asked/selected to participate in a sort of "Think Tank" Committee/Task Force this upcoming year.  This "Think Tank" group actually has two seperate groups focusing on two drastically different ideas.  I was actually quite happy about being on this committee, for this committee/task force is actually interesting and enjoyable (as strange as that sounds for ANY committee/Task force).  
• My happiness changed to agitated trepidation however, when I found out about a week later that the person whom I dislike intensely (and have written about here) is ALSO going to be on this committee/task force.  This finding DID NOT please me in any way, shape, or form. 
• For the last few weeks I have been contemplating in my mind various options:  a)  see if I could switch to the other "Think Tank" group, b) simply decline the offer of being a participating member, or c) stay in the group even with the person whom I dislike intensely being a part of the group as well.    
• The difficulty with a) is that the "Think Tank" I was offered was the especially "fun" academic one of the two.  The other one is good as well, but not AS exciting as the one I was selected to be in.
• The difficulty with b) is that bailing out would mean I would not be a part of the "Think Tank" group, which is one of those very RARE committee/task forces that is thought provoking, fun, and enjoyable.  I also would lose the minor stipend members receive.  
• The difficulty with c) is OF COURSE, that this person aggravates and annoys the hell out of me.  This person has been so damn obnoxious over the years, that gnats and skunks view this person with awe and admiration.  

• So, I am not sure what to do at the moment.  I keep switching back-and-forth in my thoughts about which of the three above is the best route.  And, I have also been quietly contemplating during my runs…. if perhaps from the Capuchin perspective of my faith…. if perhaps I should be viewing this as an "opportunity" to work at my tolerance and forgiveness of this person in my heart.  I have to admit it feels like a damn tall order at times….  to try to change my gut reaction towards this person….. to tolerance and forgiveness…. but perhaps this is what this opportunity is meant to be about?  I am still unsure, however.  
• PCS = 8.... my pipe cravings seem to be persisting at this challengingly high level.  When my PCS is at this level, it can be rather exhausting…. with the amount of work to keep refraining.  It feels (at a PCS of “8”) like it would be so much simpler, so much easier… to simply go back to my pipes and pipe tobaccos in whatever feels "organically" correct for me.  Yet, I know that if I were to simply indulge as I pleased, I would in very short order (probably a day or two) be comfortably ensconced in my prior routine of several pipes a day.  But, at the same time, I also realize that I would also then (perhaps not for a while, but likely in a few weeks or a month or two) very likely start experiencing the worries about my indulging, just like I had been experiencing until I started to refrain ~4.5 years ago. And, having those worries does not help me at all. 
  

• I keep believing that THERE IS SOME sort of fashion in which I COULD return to my pipes and pipe tobaccos that a) would be measured (meaning…. occasional) in such a way that I could indulge without the return of those worries, AND also, b) it would NOT feel like a great deal of WORK AND EFFORT to maintain as a pattern.   What I mean by this is..... say if I reasoned out that I could allow myself one pipe a week..... I do not know for sure, but I am suspicious that one pipe a week would only just "whet my appetite" and that the intervening days between having a pipe would become more difficult, more work, and require more energy to accomplish than it currently does being fully away from my pipes.  I still DO think there must be some sort of level of indulgence that I COULD do that would be at the perfect "sweet spot" where my occasional pipe smoking would be monumentally enjoyable, but NOT induce worry, and NOT require a huge amount of willpower to maintain the indulgence pattern. 

PipeTobacco