Suicide
I have been feeling rather low the last several days. I have much to say about MANY things, but today I will focus on this:
A young adult kid of a family my wife and I have watched on television occasionally over the years committed suicide last week. It was shockingly unexpected by the family.
Even though I only knew of this family (and this kid) through a television program, this death stirred up a lot of emotions in me. Suicide is a horrific thing, and a family that experiences suicide is forever changed.
The emotions this first stirred up in me were of the emotions I felt about my niece, who committed suicide 30 years ago now. She was 17 when she ended her life. I can only imagine what she could have/would have become today as a 47 year old if she had not chosen this path.
I tend to try to not think about her suicide much any more because it does not really have any benefit to do so. It simply brings up the sadness of the loss of her, it brings up a great deal of anger that she did this, it pains me to see how it has changed many facets of my larger, extended family.
With the news of the television kid's suicide last week, it brought all those emotions back to the surface. As I have stated before, the year that was 30 years ago was the worst year I have ever experienced. Several deaths of relatives occurred that damnable year in addition to my niece (my Dad, two close uncles, my major professor/mentor, an extremely close family friend). Those sad feelings too have resurfaced.
And, it caused a resurgence in my dislike of March, for over the many years, a much higher than normal percentages of deaths I and my family have experienced have been in this month of March. My Dad, my Mom, one of my uncles, two aunts. My wife experienced the miscarriage of one of our kids in March as well. Several cousins also passed away in March.
Then, even though they were more recent, the suicide of one of my colleague/friends, and the deaths of three others .... all of these since Covid started.... those memories also flooded back.
None of the above is new news, other than the television kid who committed suicide. But, it does not mean the emotions are not difficult. I am trying to figure out how to put these emotions "back on the shelf" so as to just carry on. As much damn sorrow the above produces, it does no damn good to try to do anything BUT put the emotions "back on the shelf". They do not "go away" as that is impossible. But, they can be managed. I need to wrangle them back in. I think just writing (at least) the main points out here is a way I can help myself get them "back on the shelf".
I ran an extra hard (tried to be faster) 13.1 miles (~21 km) this morning on the damn track to stomp out the emotions and pain as well. It is called carrying on.
I will just keep on trying to carry on. Some folks try to suggest suicide is a "noble" thing or that it is a "right" that people should have. But I think suicide is the sh*tt**st thing a person can do to people that they love.
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
As the saying goes, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I had a brother who killed himself and I worked on a Crisis Line for several years because of that. Due to my training, I now realize that it's an angry act of a person who is in much pain and wants peace and respite from it. There are often drugs or alcohol involved. The suicide of a well-known person gets the attention, yet there are many in our lives who are living in quiet desperation and need us to reach out. I've done my suicide protocol on several people by just coming out and asking if they were thinking of harming themselves. Most of the time, they will tell you and will be relieved to be able to be open. Some have asked me how in the world I got suicidal callers to tell me where they were (prior to phone tracking); the answer: I simply asked them. They called because they wanted help and someone to stop them. The ones to worry about are the people who don't reach out.
Professor, I can empathize with what you must be feeling. One of my uncles committed suicide six months after my mother died. It was his way out, but it created tremendous suffering for a lot of people he left behind.
Doctrinal implications aside, I can at least comprehend the suicides of people who are suffering from terrible physical pain beyond what their doctors can control. But to kill oneself on account of emotional/psychological pain... it makes me wish the person had had access to whatever emotional/psychological support might have helped.
If nothing else, Professor, I hope the sadness of this suicide helps you remember that every day you have is a gift, whatever the complications and frustrations may be that come with it. And I hope it reminds you to live each day to its fullest, whether that means enjoying an indulgent salad, firing up a pipe, helping a neighbor, or whatever it might be that can add some joy and purpose and fulfillment to your life.
Thankfully, I haven't been touched by suicide like you have, so I have no wise words to offer. I suppose that if I were to encounter a suicidal person, I might remind them that as much pain as they are in, there are minutes in every day that can be grasped. At least I think this is so. It could be as simple as the sun peeking out from behind a cloud.
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