Kumbaya

 

The word, "kumbaya" I found out, is actually an amalgam of three words originating from Hebrew:

"kum" - arise

"bah" - come

"Yah" - God (also in a longer form, Yahweh)

In the U.S. the three terms were slurred together as a part of the African-American song from times of enslavement in the South.  The song also gained additional focus as a folksong in the 1950s and continued to be quite prominent and associated with its use towards unification in various groups in the 1960's and 1970's active in progressive issues such as civil rights, voter's rights, and various other forms of political protest.

More recently, "kumbaya" has unfortunately become almost a term of derision.  It is associated in many contexts with having an overly naïve and unrealistic attitude about peace, harmony, and cooperation.

I mention the above because it was something I thought a lot about while running.  A big part of what I am striving to do mentally/emotionally is to try to change myself from within.  I have a tendency to be a rather anxious person.  I have a tendency to worry and have a tendency to ruminate over things.  Sometimes, during the last several days, I made a purposeful, conscious decision to NOT think about the many worries and anxieties I have (over work, family, all the same damn things you always hear me yammer about).  It was extremely difficult to NOT do this.  

The last two mornings when I awoke, I had a greater sense of this difficulty.  I am I guess, getting a bit more "self aware" and both yesterday and today.... upon awakening, I EVALUATED how I "felt" upon awakening, and in those first 15-20 seconds.... I felt pretty relaxed, calm, and dare I say, "happy".  But, then, the laundry list of tasks, worries, deadlines, looming potential dreads..... all flooded back INTO my consciousness.  

Then, while running, I tried to list in my mind, what are some of the things that I find contentment and joy in.  Thoughts that came to me included such things as a) I love my wife, b) I so enjoy teaching, c) I feel a joy in playing my instruments, d) I (had) experience(d) deep contentment with my pipes, e) I experienc(ed) comfort from my family, and on and on a whole list.  

And, you know what?  Most of the things on my LIST.... are things I DO get to do regularly (Unfortunately, that does not include my pipes, and it doesn't feel like it happens with some aspects of my family).  But...... many of the things I DO get to do.  

So.... that begs the question of WHY DOES IT FEEL SO DAMN HARD a lot of the time then?  

In part, I believe some is a result of a decreased feeling of CONTROL over WHEN I get to do these things.  They often feel more "forced" upon me and not of my own time in choosing. It seems like I have most things, most tasks THRUST upon me and I simply have to "deal" with them, if that makes sense.  

But, another part of it is my natural inclination towards rumination.  I have begun to TRY to break the thought process that is so ingrained in me to constantly be "observing and evaluating" everything from the moment I awake (well, like I alluded to above, after the first 15-20 seconds) and feeling worried and anxious from the get-go.

I need, I believe, to break that thought process.  I believe I need to become more experiential, and less observational and thought-focused.  Can an ancient, grey-haired old fellow like myself, do this?  I am not sure.  But, I am going to try..... try to disrupt that pattern.  

I have a lot more thoughts about this too, but I am trying to sort them out better to be able to explain.

* * * * 

Running was nice.

My amazing POTENTIAL event relates to a research project that I had a very minor supporting role in that was primarily the effort of a pair of younger faculty.  This wasn't a science study, but more akin to a pedagogy effort with a bit of philosophy thrown in.  Well, one of the two lead folks has found he has to back out of this presentation.  I was not going to be at this conference because my role was small (even though I am a co-author). But, now a second person is needed.  There is work afoot to try to get the ticket of the fellow refunded... if possible, and possibly send me in his place.  It looks like if I were to get a ticket, it would be ~$150 more than his was, but I think I could get the U to cough up that difference.  And, guess what.... it is in CHICAGO!!!!!!!   Home of the illustrious Iwan Ries!!!!!  If this all falls into place, I may be back in that beautiful city.... and its damn glorious pipe shop for a couple of days in early June.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.   

PipeTobacco