Trying

I am trying to be POSITIVE and trying to focus on doing good work and on having a "can do" attitude.  It is something I currently have to FORCE my mind into, as the various ambiguities about so many things feel like I am a juggler who is trying to juggle 15 bowling balls simultaneously while riding a unicycle on a tightrope 100 feet off the ground. 

• Nervous, but hopeful about our dog.   She SEEMS normal, even after two days without the medicine.  But, she also has a grooming appointment for Friday, and that usually is wonderful for her and she likes the feeling and the people, but it is also taxing and I am not sure if we should keep or cancel this appointment because she often is utterly exhausted from the experience for at least a full day if not two.
  
• TMJ... the damnable olive pit incident is STARTING to slowly resolve, I think.  But, it is still painful, especially after eating for a while.  And, EATING is something I need to do physically and emotionally. I just hope that it will fully dissipate.... and hopefully soon.
  
• Frustrating deadlines are looming all about me.  Abstract submissions, printing submission deadlines, and of course the looming of final exam week not too far from now.... and that week's deadlines for exams to the graphic's center, the futzing around getting exams to the Disabilities Office for students who qualified for various accommodations (usually psycho-social) to make taking an exam easier for them... but more time consuming and difficult for me, and many, many others.  

But, regardless of the above (and more) I NEED to be more positive and work to find happiness even with all the stressors and worry.  Pat mentioned something akin to this in comments two entries ago, and it struck a chord with me, but I did not initially know how to verbalize it.  But also while listening to Mass today while running (OUTSIDE... it was 50 degrees Fahrenheit  (10 C)) at 5:00am this morning, I heard a homily about being a good sheep.  The basic idea of this homily was to try to promote a feeling of acceptance of what is, while at the same time still knowing that we need to work hard to do good... and to see good around us.  Pat's ideas were similar and very helpful.  I am still not explaining the ideas well.... but I can state that the words of Pat and of this Priest both have helped me to (emotionally, apparently not verbally) recognize how I have to work to be.  It at least gives me a ray of hope.

With all that is going on, I have difficulty thinking into the future much.  I am just attempting to survive the now with as much grace and happiness I can figure out to have.  So, even though TECHNICALLY I should have a free Thursday in two weeks to go to the cigar shop I was invited to by the fellow at Mass, I cannot even spend much time imagining that at the moment, even when drifting off to sleep.  I literally have virtually NO thoughts once I lay on the bed at the end of the day lately.  No dreams, no thoughts.  I still have to discern whether to try to have an actual cigar, or, as was suggested by the fellow when he wondered to me why I hadn't joined the group yet.... I could smoke my pipe (he said it "was allowed") since I had told him my background was mainly with pipe and pipe tobacco smoking. But, I have not had the energy to muster up thinking about that.

PipeTobacco