The New "Normal"

 

Thurs far, what I have been able to do to try to return to "normal" is not quite where I want, but it is a bit better:

• I typically wake feeling nervous and fearful.  Everything still FEELS like problems are lurking around every corner.  This includes all the things I have been worrying about of late:  a) my dog, b) the agonizingly slow progress in my TMJ, c) the feelings of being either behind or teetering on a knife's edge in terms of keeping all the crap I have to do, afloat, and d) whatever the NEXT major crisis will be and when it will occur.
• I POUND OUT MILES until I am so tired that my nervousness and fearfulness have somewhat dissipated.
• I get to work, and juggle all the work crap from the moment I step foot on campus until I can leave.
• Late, late in the day, I can finally quit, and I go home (or sometimes get to swim a bit first and then go home).  I still feel nervous and on edge until I see if the dog is ok when I get in the house.
• I make dinner with my wife, and we eat together.
• We watch ~30-60 minutes of television
• We go to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat... 

That is the best I can do at the moment.  It is not good.  It is actually pathetic. I need it to change.  I do not know how to get it to change.  But, I need it to change.  But, I am not asking for the damn moon and stars.  What I want is:

• To awake feeling generally refreshed, and calm.
•  To feel the old enthusiasm to go run those miles
•  To go to work and feel creative and excited about teaching and research.
•  To leave for the day, content and to swim with my wife.
•  To make dinner with my wife, and enjoy it together
•  To watch some television, feeling content until we feel sleepy.
•  To go to bed, enjoy each other intimately, and then fall into a restful sleep.
  

The two scenarios aren't TECHNICALLY a helluva lot different.  But, they are far more than "a river too far apart" from each other.  The culprits:

•   WORRY
•   DAMNABLY DAMNABLE TMJ
•   TOO MANY DAMNABLE DEADLINES

So, I am having a really hard time.  I am so CLOSE to having the life I would like on the surface... but the actual moment-by-moment living is so FAR from what it needs to feel like inside.   

PipeTobacco