Hello Friends:

I am feeling very sad and blue today. Worries about family and friends that I love and care about deeply weigh upon my mind. Sometimes I feel like a cruel and nasty person because I do not devote 100% of my time and energy to being with those that I love. Sometimes I feel like a huge ball of crud because sometimes I actually look forward to being at work because there is a sense of order and predictability... this feeling is especially strong today because this past weekend was one from hell indeed.

There is a logical side to our minds and an emotional side to our minds. Most people tend to favor one over the other... either they tend to be driven more by emotions or more by logic. For me personally, I tend to have my logical side be the driving force in my life because my emotional side is rather excessive and I fear that if it were the driver, I would eventually drive myself into a ditch or a ravine much like a drunk on the highway. My emotional self feels happiness, contentment, and pleasure so strongly (which is nice) but also feels the pits of sorrow, anger, or fear equally as strongly (which is horrid) that [taking the analogy further] my emotional self would surely cause an accident or injury if allowed to drive. Therefore, instead of having my emotional self create havoc and behave as if DUI, I instead have my logical side be my "designated driver".

For the most part this works well, because I can use my logical mind to reason through things but it is not always capable of handling the emotions of others. This weekend, two of the dearest women in my lives both experienced their own wrath of emotions. Neither female wanted to cause harm, neither female would intentionally create grief and sorrow in me, but unfortunately because both of these women are strongly based in their emotions, and both of them had a rough emotional weekend, my own psyche is battered and bowed and is in severe need of bandaging and comforting. It is as if my body were eviscerated and my emotional "guts" were laying upon the operating room floor. I feel battered and bruised and in pain.

Sometimes I weep as I fall asleep during times like these, because I do not understand how to fix the problems to help us to live a happier, more loving life. If I could, I would wave a magic wand and eliminate this past weekend from my mind, but it is simply something I must try to solve.

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One other bit of information.... a few days ago, I saw that Kevin (the homeless guy) had put up a discussion board where he wanted questions. I registered and logged into the discussion board and wrote a question which I will paraphrase below. Unfortunately within 24 hours, Kevin decided to expunge my question and banned me from the discussion board. I truly do not understand Kevin's anger and malice towards me, and I wrote him a letter trying to see if we could somehow find a way to fix this situation. Thus far there has been no reply. I think perhaps I will post the questions I would like to ask Kevin on my site instead. If anyone is so moved, you may wish to cut and paste these questions on his board as if they were your own.

My first question to Kevin on his discussion board (removed by Kevin):

(This first question is paraphrased as I do not have a copy of the exact wording as I posted on his board.)

Hello Kevin:

A question I have concerning your homeless situation is to ask you how your art affects your situation. I have seen a few of your photographs and find them very interesting and creative. I presume that your art helps you to keep a sense of wholeness about life, and is especially valuable for you given your situation. I would very much like to read your ideas about your art. I look forward to your reply.

PipeTobacco