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Go to Hell

Tuesday has been the worst day of the lot, thus far, and I fear this may be the new "normal".

My elderly mother is still very delusional and believes I specifically in conjunction with my sister Dora, have conspired to shutter her into a nursing home. Nothing could be further from the truth.

She has lived with me for a long time now. When my beloved father died, my aunt (my mother's sister) moved in with her and they lived happily for several years. However, when my aunt became ill and passed away, my mother then came to live with me, my wife, and my kids. I have always felt it was the right thing to do, and also very special for us (and specifically my kids) to have their grandmother with them day-to-day. I made her part in our home as good and comfortable and freeing as I could muster. I strove to give her options of feeling independent or fully intertwined with the rest of the family as she would see fit, day-to-day. She has her own bathroom, her own bedroom, and a smaller "sitting room" with her desk and television and other items she wishes to cherish more privately. She has found those rooms comfortable and useful, and yet we have actively encouraged her to also just be within the hub-bub of the daily life of the rest of the family as much as she is comfortable as well. For the most part, she will eat meals with us (and will occasionally cook a meal), she has usually watched television, watched movies, played cards or played other games with us in the family room most evenings, and has seemed very happy.

Today at the hospital, her kidney function test (BUN) was still very high (83) but is lower than it was a few days ago. That explains from a biological perspective her disoriented behavior, but does not decrease the hurt and sting from her words. She has told me numerous times today to "Go to hell!" and to "Quit lying (about her being in a hospital and NOT a nursing home)!" and that I am being "Cruel and mean and hateful!" Both Dora and I were in tears again several times during the day as she let forth with her dialogue of hate towards both of us. It hurts beyond measure, even if I can intellectually understand that she is not in her "right mind" at the moment. It takes all the energy I can pull from within myself to have the following sort of dialogue with her:

"You vile and cruel man, I cannot believe you are my son." says she.

"Yes, mother, I am your son, and I love you and want you to become well."

"There is nothing wrong with me, you are just making this sh*t up to lock me in a nursing home and to take my money." says she.

"No mother, that is what you feel right now, but those ideas are not true. You are mistaken, and if you wait a few days until you can heal, you will be able to see that I am the same person I have always been."

"You are lying, you have hurt me, and you keep having them hurt me and say I am crazy so you can lock me up." says she.

I reply with as much calmness as I can, "No mother, unfortunately, that is what you believe at the moment, but if you can just wait a few days you will feel better and can gain your strength back and come home!"

"I am never coming home! You are seeing to that! You hateful man! You and your sister are both evil and nasty! I do not want to be in a nursing home. I want to die first. Leave me alone!"

"Mother, you are in the hospital, the same hospital you were in before for..."

"Don't lie to me! This is not a hospital, it is a nursing home!" she screams at me.

"No, you are incorrect. This is the hospital. You will be able to get well in a few days and will go back home."

"Liar! You sold all my things! You are so evil, so vicious and so cruel! Get out! Leave me alone! You wait and see! I hope both of you get to experience the same sort of hell I am. I will laugh in your face!"

"Mother, please, please try to hear me, and try hard to have my message stay with you. You are currently very ill and must stay in the hospital for a few days, but then you will be ok and will come back home with me. You do not believe it now, but please keep the idea in your mind, for you will see it will be the truth!"

"Get out!" she screams.

This is all in the span of ten to fifteen minutes and she is hysterical and will not listen. Then she quiets down some and then within a half an hour wakes up and starts the same thing over and over and over again. And please keep in mind her dialogue has been edited here for much of its sting and vulgarity.

There is no point in arguing with her, yet you must stay to help her, and you must try to present the truth to her. In the modern world, patients need advocates to make sure a sick person does not get lost in the modern medical system. We must stay in the room as much as humanly possible to be able to talk with the health care providers to know what is happening, but also to make sure their treatment of the patient is kind and fair. It is like being a soft loaf of bread that has been ran over by an 18 wheeled semi truck.

It is so very, very sad. I am at my wits end. I am fearful she will bring this hate and vehemence back to home with her and I cannot figure out how to bring her back to her normal thought patterns.

Life is so very, very sad at times.

PipeTobacco