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No Wind in My Sails

I feel lost. Here are my thoughts in a list as I am not coherent enough to think in paragraphs:

1. I feel unable to focus. I cannot do my work at the U at the level I want it to be.

2. I do not get to spend enough time at work to accomplish the items in #1 because my schedule is compressed at both ends due to needs of my mother. She does not do so well health-wise if I have her get up too early. And there are numerous items I need to help her with each morning (including medications, weighing, moving various breathing equipment). Typically I arrive at the U at 9am, sometimes 9:30.

3. Family time dictates I need to leave at 4pm on most days (5pm on one day when teaching is later). With all my teaching duties, committee duties and research duties cramed into that time frame, I feel I end up doing damn near everything half-assed.

4. I used to be able to compensate for the need for more time by leaving for work earlier in the morning, but because of my mother's needs that is not possible.

5. Working later in the evening means I miss "family time", so I do not wish to do that.

6. I could work late at night after everyone is to bed. Sometimes I do, but I am so unfocused at that time, anything overly technical it beyond my ability late in the night (late night is best for me to write here as it is a time when I know I can simply express myself and you will not belittle me for the occasional grammar mistep or typographical error).

7. I want my mother to become well and become stronger. I know that is almost certainly not going to happen. Yet, I need to keep that hope.

8. I want to appreciate my mother during the time I have left with her. I want her to be as happy as I can help her to be.

9. The two essays that I lost this week were diametrically oppossed to each other. The first talked about my trip taking my mother to the doctor (finally) after begging and pleading with her for 2.5 days. The other was the fear and despair I felt as my mother had a day that was really, really bad and she was adamant about NOT going to the hospital... and yet I could not stay home with her because of work and I was in agony on how or what to do.

10. I would love to have 2-3 (or 6-7) good, stiff drinks. Yet, I abstain at the moment, for I do not think it is helpful to drink when sad/fearful. On the occasions when I have a drink, I will do so only when I am feeling content and happy about life.... the few drinks add spice to the happiness. I wonder though, when (if) I shall feel content and happy again?

11. I know my mother is likely to pass away soon, but the thought is something I do not want to dwell upon while she is with us. It is a waste of the precious time we have left together.... I can spend forever thinking after she is gone about that event.

12. The adage.... a coward dies a thousand deaths, but a brave man dies but once.... is one that I firmly believe is true and beneficial to embrace.... yet I am perpetually the coward. I think about death of so many... my mother, my wife, my kids, myself. And I know intellectually that this thinking about it is akin to experiencing hundreds and hundreds of times. Yet, I cannot figure out how to keep my mind from focusing there. Sh*t, this sounds like my baby brother (who apparently gave up blogging).

13. I have stopped all forms of exercise. I miss it. Yet, it seems more than impossible to do at this time... since my time for doing regular work and regular family time is already being compressed.

14. My consumption of food has increased substantially. I have gained roughly 10 pounds since Thanksgiving, most of that during January.

15. I seem to be losing interest in my pipes and in my tobaccos. I do not feel the old joy from them.

16. I used to think, dream, plan, and look forward to each day. Now I go to bed and find happiness (sometimes) in my dreams or terrors in my nightmares. When the alarm clock goes off.... I feel fear and dread thinking about what I may find that day when I awaken my mother.

17. I used to love winter and snow. Now it makes life even more drab.

18. I used to play in our community's orchestra. I gave that up because of my mothers 7 week hospital stay last August.

19. I do not know what else to write right now. I will give up here for the moment.

PipeTobacco