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Mustard Seed & A - Z

My wife purchased for me a small tie tack that is in the shape of a golden heart and embedded deep within its resin is a single mustard seed. She knows how unhappy I am and how I miss my beloved mother. My beautiful wife also knows I have been having significant levels of anger and resentment towards God because of my mother's passing, and that much of the time I am no longer sure of my own beliefs or faith any longer. I have decided to begin wearing this tie tack with the mustard seed as a way to try to heal in my faith. I am hoping that this tie tack will help me to remember and recall my prior thoughts about faith and will help me to learn again to have faith. I am thankful my wife thought of this for me.

I *want* to have that feeling of faith and feeling of belief, but I do not at this time know if I have it or not. I keep asking God, asking my Mother to please speak to me in some definitive manner so that I can know She is in heaven and is happy. Yet I have not discerned anything. Proxima is perhaps very correct in that I may need to be "ready" to receive a sign and may be missing signs that are being given. Yet, I do not really know how to better make myself open to them. I fear the alternative... namely that there is nothing beyond death.

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Abbagirl and Karin both presented their own rendition of this list. Because I have been feeling especially emotional and sad this day, I still do not feel up to writing about the cookie making I have wanted to recall here. Perhaps on Friday.

I found the following list compelling for two reasons... one, the questions posed are interesting to think about, but two, also because the dates that Karin and Abbagirl wrote their versions of the essay bracket the wretched change that has befallen my family. Karin's post occurred on the last full day of my beautiful mother's life, and Abbagirl's post occurred after her passing. By my participating in this list, I feel a bit connected to that time (that was only 21 days ago... although it seems far, far longer) when she was still living with us:

The A-Z List

1. A is for age: old and tired and grey

2. B is for beer of choice: LaBatts Brown

3. C is for career right now: Professor

4. D is for your dog's name? Coco, she has passed away

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Toothbrush

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Amazing Race

7. G is for favorite game: Monopoly

8. H is for Hometown: Bridgeport

9. I is for instruments you play: Bass Clarinet, Clarinet, Tenor Saxaphone

10: J is for favorite juice: Grapefruit

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Currently I am not excessively angry at any human. In many ways I still feel angry at God, but I trying to not feel this way.

12. L is for last place you ate: The restaurant my mother and I would visit every Thursday. I took one of my sisters there this evening.

13. M is for marriage: Very Strong

14. N is for your full name; Unavailable in this venue.

15. O is for overnight hospital stays: 2, each before the age of 8.

16. P is for people you were with today? Thus far, one of my sisters, my wife, two of my children.

17. Q is for quote: "Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in life." - John Paul Richter

18. R is for Biggest Regret: Not spending more time showing those I love, that I love them enormously.

19. S is for status: Sad, mournful, sleepy

20. T is for time you woke up today: 7:00 am

21. U is for underwear you have on now: Fruit of the Loom Boxers

22. V is for vegetable you love: Zucchini steamed with rosemary, basil, and lemon

23. W is for worst habit: Avoiding things I do not wish to face

24. X is for x-rays you've had: Dental

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today: Cinnamon raisin toast

26. Z is for the zodiac sign: Sagittarius

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