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Hard Weekend, Hard Monday

Where do I begin? What do I do? I do not know. I feel lost. I feel without hope. I am much more fragile than I thought... I used to think I was strong and capable and able to help others.

I remember when many other deaths occurred. March is a particularly bad month for death in my family. My mother of course, my father, two very close uncles, my great grandmother, my grandparents, and a beloved cousin who lived with my parents while we were growing up. All of these people died in March.

1994 was a particularly harsh year for death in my family. During that calender year, I and my family experienced the deaths of:

My Father

My Uncle Kasper

My Mentor/Major Advisor from Graduate School

My beloved 17-year old Niece

A very close, Family Friend

My Mother's death on March 2nd this year of 2007, has me feeling that all hope is gone in life. For all of the deaths above, I think I expressed my grief through TRYING to help a relative or friend who felt the loss of that loved one even more deeply than I. Obviously, many of these times involved helping my mother through the grief and sadness of the passing of the various loved members of the family.

Immediately after my father passed away (his death was 13 years ago this past Friday, March 23rd... part of the reason I chose not to write on Friday), I took over all the household responsibilities for my mother that my father had previously taken care of. My parents home was on a large, two acre lot with many trees. My father took great pride in the land and therefore I tried to also keep the lawn up to his standards, to trim bushes and hedges (including those aligning one edge of the property between the ditch and railroad tracks). I shoveled snow, planted flowers, planted the garden, painted the house and the house trim outside, painted rooms inside, and simply tried to make life as uncomplicated and low stress as possible for my mother. When my elderly aunt moved in with my mother roughly a few weeks after my father's passing, I took on many of her care responsibilities as well (she unfortunately passed away in November 2002... my wife and I had been planning and hoping that she would move into our home when my mother did in the Summer of 2002, but her health had deteriorated and she was hospitalized for a significant period of time).

What point and I trying to make? I am not sure. I believe what I am trying to get down into words is the idea that for the deaths I have experienced prior to my beloved Mom passing away, there was always someone who felt and experienced that loss more intensely than I did. By having that person or persons to focus on, I believe I was able to find ways to help them with their grief... and at the same time I without realizing it found a way to help myself with my own grief. Now, however, is very different. In the passing of my Mom, I find that it is ME who is at the pinnacle of the grief scale. I have no one whom I can focus on to try to help. I am the one who feels the loss the most painfully. I am the one who cries several times each day.

I miss her. I am so sorry for all the things I have ever done that were not done with only love. I hope She can hear me. Please, Mom, hear me and know I love you and please know that I miss you greatly. Please, please Mom, please try to convince God to allow you to give me a definitive sign you are there, a sign that I will know means you are safe and happy in Heaven and that all is not lost. Please, please try to send me that sign.

I miss you so very much.

PipeTobacco