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Damnably Determined

I have decided to temporairly postpone my decision concerning antidepressant medication in order to participate in an experiment of sorts... where I simply FORCE myself by sheer will to do those things that I believe will be good for me to do, will help me to find happiness, and will give me a way to help others. I am damnably determined... and shall give it a valiant effort

The last two days, as the first two days of my atempting this effort.... have proven very taxing. For me, the goals currently are to re-establish consistent exercise (like my baby brother has done), eat healthier, strive to demonstrate more my love and affection to my family, and participate in the myriad of hobbies I have either a) allowed to whither (art (painting), music (bass clarinet, tenor sax, piano), reading about and engaging in current research, reading novels) or b) have wanted to pursue (artistic photography, scientific photography, novel writing, learning to play the acoustic guitar). Additionally, I wish to become a more significant community presence by volunteering and/or becoming more politically active.

In the list above, I really do not have the emotional energy or drive to accomplish any of the above (except love my family... but my goal is to DEMONSTRATE my love MORE ROBUSTLY). BUT, and this is crucial, I can be awfully damn stubborn and CAN force myself to do the above things . I have done this in the past when faced with adversity... when I first started to teach... I was an introverted, nervous wreck who did not want to do anything but sit alone in a lab... but by shear will I forced myself into DOING it and I grew emotionally and physically and ended up loving the task. I FORCED myself to do this and in effect CHANGED myself for the better.

Well, in order to accomplish any of the above during the past two days, I had to get downwright mad at myself. I cursed at myself very vividly under my breath, and kept mentally beating up on myself until I gave in and actually accomplished: excercise, adding additional quality time with my family, spending some time with photography, and pulling out a guitar we have around the house. After I did each of these things, I was proud of myself for doing them, and they helped me feel some happiness. I KNOW that this effort was successful in helping me, but still... BREAKING the lack of inertia to accomplish the goals is enormous. Only by SHEAR will, cussed determination, and vehement berating of myself for my slovenly ways, am I able to get these things accomplished. But, at least it is a start.

Hopefully I can keep it up.

PipeTobacco