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12 Weeks

I am not feeling great at the moment. I am feeling a large wave of sadness.

A few weeks ago, a secretary at my University contacted me when she realized we were related (after reading my mother's obituary back in March). She would like to scan old photos that I have access to about my grandparents, great grandparents and other related folk from those generations.

I think it is a wonderful idea. But, my mother had most of those things and they have been tucked away for many years in various locations of her rooms in our house and I am not sure exactly where any specific photograph is.

I feel so sad going into her rooms and rummaging around. I have not had the heart to do anything in them except to water my mother's plants. While I want to share these photographs with this secretary, it is very distressing trying to find them. I have been crying more again this week than in the last few.

I hate rummaging around in my mother's items, for once they are moved and changed, then another part of her is gone forever. I realize that her things are not her, but at the same time, the way she folded her bed, the way she hung her clothes, the manner she used to put her socks away, her thoughts are indirectly in those rooms.

It has been 12 weeks today that she passed away.

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