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What is the Meaning?

I am in a rather philosophical, psychosocial mood tonight. I have been trying to feel a need or a drive or a purpose to my existence. I remember during various stages of my life a true sense of purpose, a vivid goal, a reason I needed to do what I was doing in life. A few examples:

1. In graduate school, I knew I needed to have the goal of graduating with my Ph.D. in order to do the work I wanted in life (teaching, research, service), especially because I wanted to be at a university accomplishing those things.

2. During the application process for my professorship at the University, and the various rewards accrued along the way... tenure, promotion from Assistant Professor to Associate Professor, promotion from Associate Professor to Full Professor, the various applications for sabbatical, the campaigns for a variety of elected offices at the university or at regional and national associations related to my research, etc.

3. The caring for and the monitoring of the health of my beloved mother during the last several years of her life.

I find myself now, without a goal, without a purpose. Please do not get me wrong... I still love my wife and my family and I love my job. But I seem incapable of doing anything other than simply drift from one moment to the next, never feeling a drive or a need to "do" or "accomplish" or "strive" for improvement anymore. It feels so odd, and also so empty. I used to think of myself as a "Don Quixote" and I have several essays about the sense of urgent goal and purpose in previous entries on this site. Yet, I no longer feel that. I feel adrift, almost akin to a void in my soul, for I do not feel that passion to ACCOMPLISH something.

Sure, I could find a hobby (rebuild another car, write another article, take another stab at writing a novel), but that seems hollow and unfulfilling. I could give more time to service (perhaps join more committees, work more often at the soup kitchen (for the poor and/or homeless), etc), but that effort, while noble, does not ignite that feeling of a NEED for ME to exist.... and a NEED for me to STRIVE. I could also take more controlled risks (I could go skydiving again, renew my scuba diving adventures, again become balanced on the old unicycle I have)... but why? To what purpose?

I do not like this nebulous state. I miss feeling driven towards a goal. And adopting some arbitrary goal is simply a poor substitute for having a real goal.

Perhaps it is my age, perhaps it is my state in life, perhaps it is depression? Who the hell knows. I just wish I could figure it out and fix it. Is there any real meaning to anything I do? Was there ever any meaning or value to it? Is there any value in this blog? Is there any meaning or value in me? I wish I knew.

PipeTobacco