Day 9

It is fairly early now in the start of day 9 of refraining from pipe tobacco. There are several thoughts I have been contemplating which I will get to in a few moments.  However, I first wanted to talk a little bit about a few other things:

I have just moments ago returned home after my morning run. As usual, I did complete the five miles I set out to do, and I am still on track for being able to accomplish my minimum of 28 miles of running (jogging) a week.  As longer time readers know, I have been exercising daily for many years.  But, I have been running a shorter period of time.   I have been running 28 miles (or more) each week for what is closing in upon two years.

I used to be quite heavy.  I was quite overweight most of my life.  Even though I have worked hard to lose 120 pounds and have maintained a normal BMI for the last several years now, I still emotionally see myself as a heavy person.  The same insecurities, and same feelings of shame, the memories of being hurt emotionally because of my weight still shape how and who I am today.

I have worn a beard and mustache continuously for many decades, literally my entire adult life (well, I grew it at 19, so technically very early into my adult life.  I did this for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I wanted to know if I could do so initially, and as it grew in, I liked how it looked on me.  During the lion's share of that time, I kept it shortish and neatly trimmed (usually between 1/2 inch to 1 inch in length).  Over the past year, I have for the first time in all those decades decided to do something different and let it grow out longer.  Because my hair is curly, it does not really get a whole helluva lot longer in length, but it gets much fuller and much "bushier",   For me, I like it because it has given my face more of a look of "gravitas" and I have more of a look of fellows who sported larger beards in the 1800s.  It is amazing how many folks now comment on how they like my beard and how it looks.  And, I admit, I really enjoy these comments, but also in the back of my mind for several of the comments, I think.... uh, well, I have worn a beard for basically my entire life.  It just surprises me that a little added fullness made such a noticeable difference to many.

I do not really know where I meant to go with this today.  I am just rambling.  In regards to my pipe and pipe tobacco.... it is seemingly to be a time of change for me.  I believe, like for my "heavy self" and my "bearded self", I will always be in my mind a pipe smoker.  I do not think that will ever change.  Perhaps the best I can hope for is to be like with my other internal images be..... a heavy person who has a normal BMI, and I guess I may be able to become a pipe smoker who just doesn't smoke a pipe.

Nine days is by no means success, and I am not saying that in any way.  I could easily (and willingly) go back to smoking my pipe in a flash.  But, I am trying to stay with my Lenten vow and see where this will take me.  But, I think in my heart I will always be a pipe smoker even if I do continue to not smoke any longer.

Today feels very somber for me.  Lots of emotions in my mind at the moment.  The death of loved ones, the passage of time, the loss of connections, the b*llsh*t work that I have to do that no one appreciates.  The selfishness and lack of inclusiveness shown by a lot of the folks I work with.  It is just a feeling of sadness and gloom.  The darker, cloudly visage of the sky the last few days in my area, fits well my mood.

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