The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Friday, June 01, 2018

Hard to Describe

What has been ailing me?  It is hard to put into words, because it is not extremely tangible.  I guess I will try to get the various ideas "out" there in a numbered list.  It may clear my head a bit:

1.  I find myself feeling quite sad much of the time.
2.  I find myself feeling quite angry much of the time.
3.  I find that most days I have a short "fuse" where relatively small things make me feel very irritated.
4.  I feel that I am living as if a robot.  All I do is work.  I never have free time.
5.  When I get home I feel that all I do is work as well.  This is work for the family....  but that does not make it feel any less like work.
6.  I get so frustrated sometimes that I just stop doing work, and that only prepetuates the stress and results in me feeling more upset, more sad, more anxiety filled.
7.  The work that I do feels meaningless and feels like b*llsh*t.
8.  Sleep feels wonderful, but after I fall asleep, I have nightmares (which I do not usually remember).
9.  I feel I spend a large part of my life waiting around for other people.
10.  I feel that most of the time no one gives a damn about my thoughts or feelings or my emotional state.
11.  I have always been noise sensitive, but lately I have been especially noise sensitive.... too much noise makes me very aggravated and aggitated.
12.  I am extremely angry at people at work.  I feel ignored.  But, I try to hold my tongue and push through.

The hardest thing is that my thoughts are all over the map.  I am constantly having thoughts scatter all over the place in my mind.  The thoughts never seem to stop or seem to quiet down.  And, it is so frustrating.... I try to focus on something, focus my thoughts.... but even in the middle of trying to focus, my mind wanders and other thoughts come in.  It is disorienting at times.  It is exhausting most of the time.  As I sit here writing this, and trying to focus putting my emotional thoughts on this electronic page..... I have had at least two dozen scattered, wandering thoughts intrude into my focus.  Things from the mundane like getting class books ordered for Fall to thinking about music, to thinking about cleaning my basement, to waxing my and my wife's car.  There is no rhyme or reason to what thoughts come into my head.  They are just everything entering my head all times of the day and night.  It is truly exhausting.  



Blogger Jennifer said...

Everything you say here sounds like the classic symptoms of depression. Please speak to a doctor if you haven't already!

Best wishes to you.

Friday, 01 June, 2018  
Blogger viagrajakarta said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Friday, 01 June, 2018  
Blogger PipeTobacco said...

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Friday, 01 June, 2018  
Blogger peppylady (Dora) said...

My suggest is also to see a medical profession.
Hope thing look up soon.
Coffee is on

Friday, 01 June, 2018  
Blogger JACK said...

When going through all of this you may have in the past found solace in a pipe or are things on that front?

Saturday, 02 June, 2018  
Blogger BBC said...

Welcome to life on this rock, buck up.

Monday, 04 June, 2018  
Blogger Anvilcloud said...

Sounds like a real down time. I hope you find your way out of it.

Monday, 04 June, 2018  

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