Chaos & More

The last several days have felt very chaotic for me, but in many ways it has been *internal* chaos, nothing external has been going off the rails.  I am not really understanding why I am feeling this way inside at the moment.  

PCS Scale for today (Tuesday) - 5.  

Yet, during the last few days, it has fluctuated widely.  Both on Friday and on Monday, my PCS Scale was at a 9.  It was so very strong on both of those days that I was contemplating if perhaps I should have one of the nicotine imbued lozenges I had from way back when. 

If you remember, when I first stopped my pipes over 3 years ago, I had as part of my arsenal one disposable electronic gizmo (an e-cig) and also one package of nicotine lozenges (made up of about a roll of "Life_Saver" candy sized lozenges that had some nicotine in them).  When I laid down my pipes a little over three years ago, I thought I might utilize one or both of these assists to help me when I first laid down my pipes.  I really did not like the electronic gizmo and only tried it once or twice during the first few days, and do not even know where it is (might have thrown it away).  I think I may have consumed two of the lozenges during those first couple of days, again, with no seeming benefit to me at the time.  But, I had those remaining lozenges tucked away in a drawer.  

But, I did strongly contemplate seeing if a lozenge would be helpful during these two "9" days.  But, since I had not found them useful initially three years ago.... I thought that perhaps it would not be a wise idea.  I was actually thinking the lozenge might actually cause a further rise in the intensity I would want to smoke my pipes.... and it was already hard enough to refrain on those two days.  

During the weekend itself, things quieted down somewhat.  Saturday was probably a "7" or so, and Sunday was more-or-less a "3" in terms of the PCS scale.  

I would like to avoid these peaks and valleys in regards to my pipe cravings.  Even though I mean this mostly tongue-in-cheek, I know the PCS scale would smooth out and occur along a reliable and even continuum if I simply allowed myself to fall back into the delightful hobby ad. lib. (my use of ad. lib. is in the medical sense of.... a use pattern than indicates "freely" or as much as one desires should be used).  But, I also know that even though perhaps not right away, but relatively soon.... the "worry and fear" would also likely return.... and the diminishment of that fear has been helpful, and I do not want it to return.  I keep thinking perhaps there is some sort of "middle ground" that I could adopt.  The middle ground would:

1.  Provide me some sort of avenue to indulge in my pipes.

2.  Be at a level such that I would keep the "worry and fear" at bay.

and in the best case scenerio....

3.  Would not require of me a lot of extra work, not require a lot of damn-dogged determination to follow, would not need a tiring level of stubbornness to maintain.      

 But, dammit, I cannot really discern where I can find that mix of the three above.  My original thought on this a few weeks ago was perhaps having one pipe a week would be acceptable.  I was pretty confident that #2 in the above would be kept away, but I believe #3 above would be my Achilles heel.... I believe it would take a helluva lot of energy to maintain.    

My most recent idea (from this weekend) is that perhaps I could indulge in ONE pipe a day.  But, while that would be very pleasant to look forward to.... I do think #3 in the above would still likely be at least somewhat difficult, and I do think that over time #2 would also be a become problematic.  

So, I do not know any better today what to do.

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My RUNNING has also been a struggle-and-a-half these last several days.  I would awaken and just NOT want to run.  This would mean I would dawdle.  On Friday and Monday it meant I ended up having to run AFTER I returned home from the U... which was aggravating.... and the run loomed over my head all day long on each of those days.  And, on my Saturday run, I hemmed and hawed, and did not run until almost noon... which was not helpful either for other activities in the day.  With a lot of grit and stubbornness I did meet my normal goal of 53 miles (~85km) total for the week... but it was damn hard.  

*  *   *   *  

The same b*llsh*t sorts of chaos also affected my eating as well.  I wanted to EAT everything in sight, and I had had to focus intently every step of the last several days to work to eat normal portions, to not eat every piece of candy I could find and to avoid junk food.  I did it... but the effort to do so felt as gargantuan as it did when I was first trying to reform my eating to a healthier way.  

*   *   *   *

Work at the U was also a pain in the *ss too.  But, I again pushed through.... enough said about that.

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Today feels a bit more "normal".  My PCS Scale rating for today is a moderate 5, which is at least comfortably doable.  I did run.  Food choices have been typical again, and work has felt average as well.  I hope it stays this way, but I worry I am just in the eye of the hurricane at the moment.  

PipeTobacco