Pity Party Dump

 

PCS ranking today - 9

Just a caveat before I begin.... I am in a extremely sad, self-pitying mood at the moment.  I realize this.  I am just experiencing inconsequential first-world, meaningless problems.  I am able to put on a happy face through my day.  But, I need a place to "dump" my inner thoughts.  That place is here.

Every year at somewhere around this time, there is a regional research conference that I have attended every year for 37 years now.  I have presented, I have had many research students present, and I have been and continue to active in the leadership, governance, and committee activities of this research conference.  This year, of course, due to Covid-19, it is virtual.  That is ok.  It is going well enough.  No problems in that regard.  

But, I am feeling a huge degree of sadness, and a huge sense of loss.  It has been 27 years since I lost my father, 14 years since I lost my mother, 3 years since I lost my friend,  my father-in-law.  I am feeling those three losses especially acutely today.  

My wife is, as her usual pattern at this time of this event, is spending the day with her mother and her sister, and they are going on their annual "pilgrimage" to eat a Lenten fish-and-chips meal that is put on by a gun club near the home where my wife grew up.  It has been a ritual those three have engaged in for decades. This year, due to COVID, they are getting take-out and eating at my mother I -laws home.  I am happy for my wife to have this activity.  I do not want to participate in it myself and cannot because of the meeting.  But, I never did for a) it is a special thing for those three to be together in that way, b) honestly, I do not like "fish-n-chips" generally, and not really at all from that place, and c) it is not and has not been "my thing".  While they were out eating fish and shopping, my ritual after the meeting was finished was to stop by my father-in-laws while they were out and spend time with him. 

But, I had a "thing" (or more accurately, several "things") over the years as well.  But, they are all gone.  For a lot of years I would come back from this annual event and visit with my Dad and Mom, and we would have something special together, often a cake, or some such thing, and I would sit and talk with both of them, and my Dad and I would smoke our pipes together and go traipse around the yard examining what would need "doing" for the start of Spring.  

Then my father passed.  But, that led me to taking over all the responsibilities for keeping up the home and the yard of my parent's home.  It was a good thing, and it allowed me regular, consistent ways for me to help and be with my mother.  We had our own "ritual" of sorts on this day during that time after the passing of my father.  We would order "breakfast" take-out to eat together from a small restaurant in a town near where I grew up.  This was not AT breakfast, but we would eat this for dinner together and it would be a predictable, reliable ritual that both of us looked forward to every year after this meeting.  

And, also interspersed with the above,  would be my visits to my father-in-law (actually when it began, it was still when I was just dating my wife). As I have spoken, it was very common for me to visit him on Fridays, have a drink or two together, smoke our pipes together and just chat about anything.  It was always a guaranteed destination for me at the end of the day of this meeting.  He would find it fascinating to hear about some of the work talked about, would be interested to hear how my and my students presentations went, but mostly it was just a time for us to enjoy some casual, friendly time together.  

And, for a lot of years, I was able to intermix having time with all three of them on this day.  Then... it went down to two.  Then... down to only one of them.  And, now it is completely gone.  And, today, the day of this meeting, it especially hurts, I guess.  

I feel even a bit jealous that my wife and her Mom (and sister) are still able to have their ritual.  I do not want it to end for them either.  I just *wish* I had MY versions of it still as well.  

Please know.... that I *do* know I need to make some new version of this ritual for myself.  I understand that.  I understand that and realize that is obviously a solution of some sort.  But, it is not what I want at the moment.  I know what I want cannot happen any longer, but that does not change the reality of my feelings.

But, what I am trying to express here, today, right now.... is not really about trying to find a "fix".... but it is to express the grief I have and still experience about these losses.  And, I damn well know I am not the only person to lose family.  I am not that imbecilic.  But, at the same time, this hurt is significant (for me) and hurts a lot (for me).  I feel a need to acknowledge these feelings here.

And, I so very much want to smoke my pipes right now.  I could so easily do so, as they are before me as I type during this luncheon break from the virtual version of this meeting.  I have thought about it much of the morning today.  And, I have even thought of  doing so at the end of this day's last talk.  But, then if I were to do so, wouldn't I just be indulging in a way that only reinforces my sense of loss?  Because a pipe alone, today, would...  just BE me having a pipe.... alone.  

I feel idiotic for my emotions.  I feel a failure.  I feel alone.  I feel like all I do is work.

I am sorry.  This was just a bunch of sh*tty, non-nonsensical rambling. I hoped it would be cathartic.  Instead, I just feel more of a fool. Back to the meeting.

PipeTobacco