Sandpaper

Perhaps after some time, it will have an effect of "smoothing" my various rough edges.  But, sincerely, today has felt like a "sandpaper" day.  I feel as if I am being rubbed raw from very gritty sandpaper.  Basically, in other words, it has been a tough day.  I feel irritable, I feel tired.  Here is a synopsis:

• I did not sleep well.  My TMJ is acting up quite a bit.
• I woke up at around 3:30, but was already feeling ornery.  I was feeling grumpy and was having all sorts of thoughts, and ruminations over problems going through my mind.  
• I wanted to go back to sleep.  
• My "Pipe Challenge" scale today was definitely a 9.  And I felt the loss at 3:30am.  Usually I sleep deeply and fall asleep easily.  But, on those rare situations where I am awake and just cannot seem to get into the mood to sleep, I have often found that a if I would go and have a bowl of dark and very robust pipe tobacco in one of my bigger-bowled pipes, and I would slowly and methodically indulge myself through that bowlful that I would be able to easily and gently drift back into slumber once I went back to bed. 
• Of course, that was not to be this morning, so I struggled.  I went and took the dog outside in the cool air,, thinking that might help.  But, I mostly wanted a pipe then too, as it was very common at that time of morning.  
• I finally went back to bed, and after tossing and turning for a bit, and after trying to stop thinking about the various worries and concerns as hard as I could figure out... I eventually drifted into a light slumber.  

So, what was I thinking about?  Well, sadly, I had two primary frustrations go back and forth in my mind.  

1) a sense of sheer annoyance at one of the two people I am trying to be forgiving toward in my Lenten vow.  If you remember, I was cordial and nice to this person and even asked her a few questions yesterday.  But, even though it was not directed at me in any way.... I became rather frustrated with her (as usual) monopoly on the conversation, her beligerance in terms of her opinions on damn near anything she talks about.... it is always "her-way, or the highway" in terms of her mindset.  And, I had been away from her long enough before this to have not been thinking about how incessantly, and constantly she talks, and talks and talks.  Seriously, I worked diligently when I drove home from the event to taking this all in stride, and into keep working on the idea of MY goal of being forgiving and tolerant and kind, and kept coaching myself in the idea that I cannot change HER, I can only change ME.  And, I thought I did a decent job of this yesterday and went to bed thinking things were ok.  But, apparently my inner psyche had different opinions as I had annoying dream/nightmares about this person and you know the rest about my waking pretty much grumpy as hell.  

 2) another part of my thinking when I could not sleep this morning revolved around the family member who I gingerly spoke about when I returned from my recent absence.  The problems/issues/challenges of this person came flooding back to me while I was sleeping and I had been ruminating about that situation during parts of my sleep as well. 

So.... in other words... I damn well woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  If I had had a pipe when I awoke, I think I may have been able to turn around my thoughts and would have perhaps had a better day.  

But, then when I eventually did drift back off to sleep.... I ended up oversleeping and could only get in 6 miles before I had to get ready to head to the U for a damn meeting.  I ran an additional 3.2 miles (to get over my 9 miles for the day) when I arrived home.  

All day long I was finding myself wanting a pipe.  When I was running, when I was praying, when I was watching/listening to the Capuchin mass, while I was in the U meetings, and while I worked at my desk.  

 It was just a rough, sandpaper day for me.

 PipeTobacco