Inadvertent Association

 

PCS Scale today - 3

I am feeling rather tired and sad today.  I could not run in the morning because I had another extremely early U meeting.  I feel out-of-sorts and *do not* like having the nine miles due looming over my head all day until I get home.  

I am also feeling tired and a bit gloomy about one of my courses.  This is a class that I am teaching for the first time in the Covid-19 pandemic.  So, it is involving a lot more work and thought that my many other classes which have all been taught or at least partially taught within the framework of the year-long pandemic.  The courses I have taught in the pandemic framework before are proceeding very smoothly as I have an established game-plan on how to proceed.  But, this new class.... a class that I DO love teaching.... is feeling like a 200 pound yoke upon my neck at times.  I *am* on track with everything.  But, there three two factors that make it tiring:

1.  Because this is the first time I am teaching it in "pandemic style" it requires more work than all of my other classes combined.  I would estimate I am spending upwards of 80% of my time on this one class.  

2.  Because it is an upper division (Senior Level) class, it is very detailed.  It is my senior ethology class.  And, the amount of typing, and fussing with each and every slide and each and every detail is exhausting.  In the "non-pandemic" face-to-face style.... this class is a dream.... a veritable "piece-of-cake" because I can espouse (and ramble and rattle on) about all these topics for hours upon hours if I wanted to.... in a live lecture.  But, because the format I use in "pandemic mode" has both a video lecture and a series of structured notes that accompany the lecture take SO MUCH LONGER to type out than to just talk about.  

I keep striving to "be ahead" a bit in this class.  But, I am just "treading water" by getting up materials just the day before I have told students I would have them.  It feels at times like an enormous pressure as I sit and type, and type away..... again, all in a very detailed, precise fashion.  If I could only get one or two chapters AHEAD, I would feel so much more at ease.  

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In regards to my St. Patrick's Day post, I thought I would write a bit about the comments received:

Pat.... I am *thinking* you may have read into some of my writings an idea that I may have stopped smoking my pipes because of the "disapproval" of that "furrow-browed woman" I spoke of yesterday.  I can understand how you may assume that association.  However, I want to assure you that she had absolutely no impact on that pipe refraining decision.  In fact, with the way I have felt about her during the three years of refraining.... if her actions and behaviors would have done anything... they would have encouraged me to restart the pipes.... just to be an annoyance to her!  :) 

In regards to the rosary question.... it has actually come up.  She happens to be a person who proclaims herself to be a "fallen-away Catholic".  As she talks, and talks,  and talks..... incessantly.... even though I really did not want to hear her "backstory" I have heard her talk about it at least four or five times.  She was one of those "kids" in the family when she was young who wanted to rebel against everything in the family in which she grew up.  She was also hell bent on getting FAR away from her family when she went off to college.  She immediately quit any association with Catholicism.  She now denigrates it anytime she can wedge it into a conversation.  But, she has seen at least on two occasions I can recall, my finger rosary (one when I was pulling change out of my pocket to see if I could give her some quarters she needed) and one time when I had it on my finger while praying the rosary while getting some coffee.  She knows that I am Catholic (and there are three others in my Department that are as well).  

So, to answer your question more broadly..... she hurt me very deeply about some WORK related issues.  Her behaviors have NOT impacted nor influenced in any way either my pipe smoking nor my Catholicism.  I do not really care what her opinions are on either of those topics.  I am however, still *trying* to perform my Lenten vow of forgiveness with her.  I am doing that because it is the right thing FOR me to do.  Yesterday, my "chuckling" under my breath about her negative reaction to seeing my empty pipe was really inconsequential.... but I do admit it was something I DID choose to do in some small way... to illicit that silly overreaction in her.  So, I am a bit guilty of purposefully trying to goad her into being annoying yesterday.... which was not me doing what I should.  

AnvilCloud.... yes, you are 100% correct that I am not responsible for her actions.   But.... I do also have to admit.... I was able to predict her reaction.... and I (probably with less kindness than I should have had) chose to stimulate that reaction in her.  And, I still chuckle about it, even though I feel guilty doing so.  :)

Cynthia... Yes... she will be who she is.  It is not my place to try to "change" her.  If I want "change" I can only try to change myself.  That is what I am working on being able to be better at.  I feel this Lenten Vow effort of working towards forgiving her is good for me.  I admit it is awfully damn hard at times.  But, I think I am moving in the right direction.  I would love to feel full forgiveness towards her by Easter.  But, that may be only a pipe dream.  But.... my vow does not end at Lent.  I will continue to work at this.  

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As far as my pipes go.  Today is a relatively easy day it feels.  While I have thought about pipes quite a bit, and even had a beautiful dream about working a side-gig in a tobacco shop after retirement (This time, my dream was me and my wife on some sort of isolated, touristy,  resort island.  I worked perhaps two hours a day... and I was able to wear flamboyant, tropical-themed shirts on the job to my heart's content.  I had such a colorful array of shirts I was putting the island's male peacocks to shame.)... overall the desire to smoke my pipes is just a pleasant, but not yearning desire.  :)

PipeTobacco