Gag Order

 

I apologize for my being away.  

It has been a rather difficult time.  I had gotten some rather problematic, rather worrisome, and both embarrassing AND sad news from a close relative.  It has been occupying a significant amount of my time.  I would like to talk about it here, but out of a respect for this person's privacy I feel I must remain mute about this situation. I have been working at putting this person's news into perspective, for I cannot truthfully control or help any of it. It has brought back a lot of feelings of helplessness in me.... feeling I have been trying to overcome.  But, they have been back and I have been struggling with them.  

So, other than feeling the added stresses of the above news, my life has been pretty much its yawn inducing routine:

1.  Cyborging away with my 1/2 electronic teaching, every day.

2.  Teaching face-to-face for 1/2 of my classes.

3.   Running to run.  Running to reduce stress.  Running to try to feel like I am doing something "good".

4.   On days when I do not attend Mass (like on Saturday or Sunday), I now will watch nearly every day, the daily Mass from the Capuchins that I have so grown to appreciate for their wisdom and their service. 

5.  Eating healthy.

6.  Getting to hopefully spend an hour or so in the evening with my wife and other family.

The above is my life. It is such a static feeling.  At this time, I really have no time to have goals, no time for hobbies, no time for any anything other than what I can do before I drop nearly instantly to sleep each night.

My ONE, very brief foray outside of my robot-like existence in the last many days was for such a silly, useless, but mildly entertaining to me action that I will have to mention. One very early morning, after I was finished running on the damn treadmill, it was just a bit after sunrise... and I was taking the dog out to do her "business".  It was a very dry, brittle, and cold morning, and when I exhaled out-of-doors my breath (perhaps from the heat of just finishing running) came out in visible plumes.  On the spur of the moment, I quickly ran into the garage and grabbed one of my pipes, clamped my teeth comfortably onto the stem, and then using the infernal camera on my phone, I took a 15-20 second video of myself where it LOOKED like I was smoking my pipe, due to the visible exhalations on that very cold morning.  

I mean, come on... that is an old trick I used to find interesting or fun as play back when I was 6 or 7 years old, not in my grizzled, grey-bearded old-self condition.    

But, and this is the even worse part.... I'll be damned, but I have probably watched that 15 seconds of video at least 30-35 times since I recorded it.  Stupidly it makes me feel "happier" to at least be pretending to smoke my pipes.  

I am an idiot.

PipeTobacco