Relpy to Comments (OlBuzzard's Today)

 

Not nearly as much time today as I had hoped for writing here because of additional chaos in my work at the U, so it will unfortunately be a bit briefer than originally intended.   

The one pleasant thing I have during this chaos is my Pandora that I can play softly in the background as I work.  I have attached a link to one particular song that was in my jazz queue today that was especially pleasant and helpful, so I hope you will give it a listen.  You can usually skip the ad(s) if you click in the lower right of the screen, but if not, they are very brief:

"Milestones" featuring Miles Davis

Back on last Thursday, a friend, Ol'Buzzard commented to my post and gave me some food for thought that I should reply to.  I am doing so below:   

"You know, I read your blog all the time and you always sound miserable: People at work don't like your, you job is too stressful, you are critical of yourself, you deny your self pleasures."

I do admit that I sound miserable at times.  And, sometimes that is reality, but not always.  I think it is that there some things that go on in my life during the last few years that do *gnaw* at me, and I work to try to look beyond them, but it is not always easy for me to do.  I think that perhaps here, in this blog, I tend to sometimes use this space as a place where I can feel more freedom to express the things that are bothering me.  It is my thought that if I can get these thoughts down, it helps me to not think about them as much.  I am not sure if that always works, but sometimes it does help.  

In regards to  "People at work don't like you" ... I can say that truthfully I have conflict with only three people.  

• One person is an individual I do not have any appreciable interaction with anymore at work so it no longer really a concern or worry of mine.  
• The two people that *I* personally have significant conflict with are two people in my Department.... 
• One is a person whom I HAD a great friendship with for decades, but now there is virtually no relationship.  This situation gnaws at me, because a) I know this person has always been a bit of a "follower" of whomever talks the most or loudest in all the years I have known this person.  But, it is disheartening to see that this individual has so changed opinion on nearly everything in the last couple of years to follow this new "loud, obnoxious" person's world view.  I have tried to ask to talk to this person about our work relationship at least four times directly, and alluded to it perhaps another four.  Each time, the person became rather huffy about it.  So I now dropped asking any further.  And yet, at other times this person seems to act fairly close to normal for brief periods.
  
• The other person.... well.... I think she is simply oblivious to how obnoxious she actually is, and yet, I cannot dismiss her behavior and attitude because of her oblivious nature.  She is a relatively new (in time, not age) person in our Department, who is one of those people who has utterly no damn ability to compromise or to see other's points of view.  Each and every damn thing she does or thinks has to be exactly "Her Way, or the Highway" and she never lets up... and she never stops talking incessantly about what she wants.  Add to that, she is also VERY much a "splitter" personality (a person who gets so very, very didactic and focused on utter absolutes about the smallest damn things) as opposed to a "clumper" personality (who looks more at the bigger picture, looks more for trends.  We butt heads because she and I have ENORMOUSLY different points of view on damn near everything.  I also am by nature much more of a person who more of a "clumper, and also tends to gravitate towards finding compromise.... and it is so obnxious and taxing to deal with anything concerning her, because she just NEVER stops PUSHING her own idea as the ONLY idea that matters, and has no ability or understanding of how to compromise on anything.  I believe she thinks it is "cool" that she is so much of what she calls "forthright" and "adamant"..... I personally think she is just a DAMN SELFISH individual.  Her actions over the last few years have been ENORMOUSLY hurtful to me, and for a very long time I despised her and her selfishness.  She is the person for whom I am working to try to figure out how to have a forgiving heart about, but it is not easy.  

• Other than those in the above, I work with a whole bunch of other folks regularly.... perhaps another 20 or so faculty/staff regularly in my Department and of course hundreds of students.  I am well liked by those folks and I like them as well.  I think I gnaw in my mind about the two above because I really do not understand their behavior and attitude and do not like having to constantly be trying to stake claim to keeping things "normal" as opposed to whatever damn way she wants things.... because a lot of folks will acquiesce to her because she never shuts up. 

"I know it sounds critical; but you need some changes, to be less introspective."

I agree with you about the above.  Being introspective *had* been very helpful for me through most of my life in terms of trying to accomplish things early on.  But, I can say that at least in regards to the above especially nasty person, I think I need to figure out a way to keep from letting her obnoxiousness gnaw at me. I need to figure out how to stop ruminating about her.   

In other areas of my life, I also think I have grown to be far too introspective as well.  I am trying to be less so.  I have grown less introspective in a few areas of my life and guess I am being more "experiential" in those areas.  I will try to mention them more when I recognize that.  But, I have to admit it is a bit like teaching an old dog some new tricks.  "Not ruminating" does not come easy to me.

 
"Retire or find a job you like."

 Actually, on the whole... I really do enjoy my job at the U.  I very much like the interaction with students, I like that sort of work.  The (hopefully temporary) Covid situation has (again, hopefully temporarily) changed my work to being more of a cyborg who is constantly on the computer and is fussing with computer minutia.... but I believe that SOMEDAY, hopefully soon, I will be able to back in a more normal state of teaching.  

I really enjoy normal teaching at the U.  I also enjoy my service work at the U, and I also enjoy my research work at the U.  The only U problems really stem primarily from that pushy person in the above... which then leads to me to dislike most Department meetings and interactions because she is there, yammering her head off all about her agenda.  But, other than that, I do enjoy my job. 

"Take back up pipe smoking."

Hah.... that IS indeed something I would like to do.  I am trying to think of a way to do so without as many of the risks and worries... and without it having to be a lot of work to maintain.  I hope to figure that out... and I would like to figure out a plan I could commit to sooner rather than later.... but I do not want it to be work and struggle to maintain and I also do not want the worry to resurface either.   

Get a prescription for Viagra.

In that regard, while I do have a bit of lessening of "vim and vigor" like is common for men of my age, I am fortunately not yet in need of Viagra.  I *have* wondered though because of anecdotal suggestions... if said medication would assist me in re-attaining my more youthful "vim and vigor" profile... which I wouldn't mind.  Not really sure if I could get a prescription though for just wanting to try to be better.  And, I am not really sure what my wife might think of this idea either.   

"Buy a motorcycle."

I do understand and appreciate the beauty and attraction of riding a motorcycle.  I also, unfortunately know I am a damn klutz, so do not think I would survive long if I tried to take up the hobby.  So, while I have read a fair number of motorcycle magazines, watched nearly all the old motorcycle movies, etc.... I know it would NOT be a good idea for me.  

"Stock your cupboard with good scotch whiskey."

I have some really nice whiskeys and nice gin as well that I have acquired over time.  Unfortunately, I do not really have any drinking buddies anymore.  And, I do not find it particularly fun to drink alone, so I have been abstaining since my father-in-law passed away.  My wife is a tee-teetotaler so she is not help in this regard either.  It is interesting that unlike when I first started at the U, that there really are not nearly as many folks who drink as there had been.  I miss both the drinking buddies I once had, and also the U opportunities for drinking that used to be far more prolific. 

"Life is too fucking short, mate. You are going to blink, and then like me, find that your future is dwindling to a short few years."

Unfortunately, I do worry about that quite a lot.  It is one of the things I do spend a lot of time ruminating about that I do not often write about. 

"It is all right to tell me to go fuck myself. I'll still read your blog.

Sorry,
the Ol'Buzzard"

I would never do that, because I like your writings and I like your point of view.  And, truthfully, what you say is wise and very true.   I almost was going to say I really need to think about this more and to devise some plan to become better, but that in itself is awfully damn foolish. 

So, what you say, are things I do agree with, especially how much of the above relates to life being too short.  The hard part for me, however, is changing.  I am not particularly good at making changes in my life.  Sure, I *can* do it.... but most of the time it takes a helluva lot of work and a huge amount of stubbornness and damned dogged determination on my part TO change things about myself.  I am not really sure how to try to effect change in myself which is basically to "relax and enjoy" and "have fun" when I tend to have to put such a lot of work in making changes in myself.  It seems kind of like I am approaching things ass-backwards, or at the very least the effort I would think I would have to make in itself would be self defeating.  I DO wish it were easier for me to figure out.  It sounds actually quite stupid to say that.... but.... it does seem to be harder than it really should be for me.

PipeTobacco