More of the Same Plus More
So:
- still hurting emotionally about one of my kid's choices.... nothing to add other than the hurt is profound and deep
- when I went running this morning, I was a damn stupid idiot and imbecile again and was lost in my thoughts during a time where I was running across some rough sidewalk, and I again caught my shoe and tripped and tumbled. I scraped up one knee and one elbow. I am such a damnable fool. I was on a route that had only about 1.5 miles of the 10 miles I ran that was on rough sidewalk, and I was too damn imbecilic to pay attention during that short stretch.
I ran 10.3 miles again this morning. My bandaged knee is a bit swollen. So much for any stress relief from running today.
I will be cyborging to try to get classes prepared the rest of the day.
It seems my life is stuck in a rinse and repeat cycle, and it is not a particularly pleasant one.
One brief reflection on a comment from yesterday:
The person who goes by the moniker "Unknown" stated yesterday:
"Your father would surely have been hurt if, during his lifetime, you told him, "Dad, I'm through with pipes, and you'll have to smoke alone, without me." But when you put your pipes down, you weren't trying to hurt him; you were trying to live your own best life."
I am not 100% sure if I am fully understanding Unknown's thoughts and opinions in the above. But, the only thing I did wish to state is that in no way, no shape, and no form.... did I stop smoking my pipes in a way to hurt my father nor my father-in-law. If either of them were alive, I would be more than happy to go back to my pipes in an instant and enjoy that camaraderie with either of them. I am not smoking my pipes... not because I do not want to.... because I really do want to smoke my pipes. I am not smoking my pipes though because a) it feels lonely, b) no matter how much art and literature have hyped the idea of proudly being a "lone wolf" on certain matters..... I know I do not like to feel like a "lone wolf" for pretty much anything for it just makes me feel isolated and like an outcast, and c) with no one to share the experience, it just seems to be a self-centered, vacuous, and overly self-indulgent activity for me to continue.
PipeTobacco
11 Comments:
I too am heartsick about one of my children's choices and the mess she's gotten herself in. I hope you can find some stress relief without any further injury!
I know that you feel like a fool then you do something like this -- again. But we're not programmed to be on full alert when doing mundane and repetitive tasks. It is natural for the mind to wander. I can guarantee you that no one's mind wanders like mine. I am a wool-gatherer by nature.
Sorry for any unclarity, Professor! I think you do understand my point. Your child is being himself/herself and not trying to hurt you, just as you are being yourself and not trying to hurt your pipe-smoking predecessor(s). You feel no less love and connection with your father because you've taken a different pipe-path, and it stands to reason that your child feels no less love and connection with you despite taking a path that hurts you.
I can relate to your sadness over a choice your child made. Our mantra over the years has been "If she would only just . . . ." and then we would add what we thought she should do to turn things around. Did she ever take our advice? Nope. Never, ever. I can also relate to your running on an injured knee. I think you need to be kind to your knee and let it have a few days off.
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There were too many typos in my first reply, so I tried to fix it here:
It wasn’t so much.... unclarity..... more it was I wanted to assure you that I AM a pipe smoker..... my not smoking a pipe is more about changing circumstances I do not control rather than what I would wish would be. I guess I mostly wanted to state that in juxtaposition to what my kid is doing, which is a choice. I am not even sure that is the right way to put it, but it is I guess the best way I can state it at the moment.
Thanks for the clarification, Professor! Of course, without knowing (and without needing or wanting to know) the exact particulars of your kid's hurtful action, I may be fully wrong in what I write. But I'm just offering the hopeful/likely parallel that your kid feels in his/her own way what you feel in yourself -- that he/she isn't "making a choice" as much as "being himself" or "being herself"... just as, no matter what "choices" you make in other ways, you cannot choose NOT to be a pipe smoker.
I could be entirely wrong, but I'd rather hold out the hope that your kid isn't engaging in self-sabotage or rebellion and is simply acting in a way you can't comprehend, just as many anti-smokers and non-smokers cannot comprehend how you could possibly be a non-smoking pipe smoker.
Very nicely stated. Thank you! I will contemplate more if there is a way for me to view what my kid is doing in that context. It may prove helpful.
PipeTobacco
PipeTobacco,
Only now have I been able to "catch up" with your posts since the post titled "?".
An English great aunt would say you've been visited by the "black dog." I am sorry for the losses, concern, anger and your spills and tumbles.
A late Rabbi friend talked of how to rage at God and was sure it was expected. The Torah tells of God's rage. I asked him if he thought arguing or being angry with God was a form of payer. "Certainly!" he said.
In this time of human existence, simply waking up each morning presents any sentient being with causes for anger, concern, depression, lament, and profound confusion. That is probably even more so for those who are sensitive, caring, deep thinking, concerned for life and who have a sense of justice and a desire for mercy. Parents know even inner chapters of all of this. But what are we to do?
My father, a WWII combat veteran and a man I deeply admired and considered my best friend, would say you start by putting one foot in front of the other and try to make the most of each day, no matter what confronts you. Even in challenges we should live life as fully as we can.
I've sensed from your previous posts you are a person of faith and devout in your practice. I have as a keepsake an olive seed that fell from an ancient tree in what is considered to have been the Garden of Gethsemane. I was in Israel on an assignment. I was told the tree, surrounded by an iron fence and unreachable, was thought to be approaching 3 thousand years. Fortuitously the tree had dropped an olive and stone/seed within reach. I keep it as a reminder of the agony, doubt, pain and surrender of Jesus as he contemplated and perhaps even raged at what life had brought him to. It reminds of me of transformation, transcendence, our human capacity to endure and courage.
Do be careful as you run. As I am about to celebrate 75 I know our quick twitch muscle response is not what it was when we were lads. I was reminded of that and our slower recovery time as I sweated through a five set tennis club tourney last Saturday. Even today my get up and go is still gone!
Slainte'
I'm learning how to work the serenity prayer in my daily life. The part of of things I can't change.
Coffee is on and stay safe
I've only smoked once with a companion and it really added something to whole experience. A Catholic Padre no less. Pipe-smoking these days is a lonely business...unless you hook up with a pipe community online. Various Facebook groups and the mighty towering YouTube Pipe Community. (YTPC) Just remember, professor, I began toiling after pipe-smoking as most men toil after virtue(Stole that from a more erudite philosopher) partially because of you. The way you used to describe pipe-smoking matched my own idealized notion of it. A pipe-smoking University Professor. What could be more iconic as a role model template?
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