Ambiguity

 

Ugh.

As I should have anticipated, as it has happened in the past..... not much transpired during the last two days regarding the issues.  They are still up in the air.  It is enormously taxing.

I *did* however, get the opportunity to make SOME of my points/worries known to these two.  Whether it has fallen on deaf ears, however..... remains to be seen.... due to the "up in the air" nature of crap in our Department. 

But, even as I was able to make SOME of my points... the duo is stirring up another hornet's nest of problems.  I very calmly (on the outside) attempted to explain how and where what they were suggesting was very wrong, because their suggestions would violate a multitude of U policies that would problems for students associated with our Department in terms of registering for classes, faculty with our Department having a very real possibility of losing classes due to their (the dynamic duo's) suggestion of how to address a problem they have basically manufactured, and get the Administration even more irate at our Department than they already are. 

Again, I remained calm (on the outside).... but I was experiencing a whole bastion of difficult emotions internally.... panic, rage, anger, resentment, frustration, fear..... and the respective stress hormones from said coursing through my veins.  It was and is, exhausting.

So.... proceed to today..... the initial delay that was created yesterday.... was supposed to be alleviated TODAY in the Department Meeting. "Supposed to" unfortunately is the operative phrase. The faculty got completely mired in a heated discussion/debate/argument about our contract (which is now entering a cycle where new contract negotiations are occurring).  That consumed ~90% of our meeting time,  so the "other" matters have been "delayed" until later with a scant few minute discussion of "there are these problems, and we 'gotta' fix them" (stated by the dynamic duo).  

So.... basically.... nothing is resolved.  It is still in "process" so my damn stressors still remain active.  It is times like these where my mind imagines having a few stiff belts of liquor and several pipes. Now.... apparently.... the decision may be "delayed" until early November..... and that means there will be a continual yammering about these "problems" by everyone with the dynamic duo likely doing their damnedest to do things the most egregious way possible.

* * * * * 

• (broken record, repetitive sounds).... 11 miles (~16km) ran this morning. Same as appears to be my current trend.  I would have liked to get more done, but didn't have enough time to do more and get to the U.
  
• PCS = 9.... what can I say?  It is just damn hard at the moment.  I want a pipe.  Hell, I would like perhaps 6-7 pipes spanned out for the rest of the day, and another 7-8 tomorrow, and so on.  I am concerned my resolve to stay away from my pipes is just about as thin and near failure as is the tread on the heels of my current pair of running shoes that have close to 1000 miles on them (~1,610km).  And, I do not know if I have the energy or gumption to "meter" myself.... to restrict/limit the number of pipes I would indulge in to a level that would feel "reasonably safe" and controlled. 
• The only bright spot the last two days was that I was able to participate in a simulation I have participated in for perhaps 10-15 years now where I portray a character in a simulation for students at the U to get a more intimate awareness of homelessness.  It is a really good simulation and I can see that it does impact these students far more than a simple recitation of the statistics of homelessness does.  I believe the simulation the students experience helps them to better see and understand the world and the need for them to keep in their minds the importance of recognizing our collective responsibilities and needs to help those who are less fortunate.  In my role, I am one of the characters in the community they (the students coping with homelessness) have to deal with.  I always enjoy the role playing, and I especially relish seeing students start to feel more empathy about what so many in our world face, day-to-day.

* * * * * 

Oh.... just received a call from my wife.  My SIL has been rushed back to the emergency room.  My wife is there with her as is my BIL.  (Sigh)  I had hoped she was able to be on the mend.  I will try pack up what I can work on from home, and go to the ER too.  I want my SIL to be ok.  AND, I want my wife to really embrace the health & wellness changes that she NEEDS TO MAKE.  She says she will, but then does not follow through.

PipeTobacco