Low

 

I am feeling very low emotionally.  I am trying to pull myself out of it, but not having a lot of success currently.  I feel TOO busy.  I feel TOO much like my life is being a "robot".  I feel as if I have no time to live an actual life as much of what I am doing of late is just getting things DONE, usually at the last moment, in order to just keep things going.  

I know in my mind that these feelings are from a) getting over and through the disruptive meeting I had undergrad students present their finding at.... and their last minute focus and last minute panic that I had to guide them through, b) March is always a sh*tty month in terms of memories of hard, sad things, c) the added focus on the harshness of March due to the suicide that I mentioned in the prior post that further stoked the memories and feelings and thoughts about that 30 year ago suicide by my niece, and d) the need to attend some yearly U functions this week that just disrupt my schedule and time (these are some "care & share" dinners where there are awards presented (and I have to go to them because I am getting an award) but is really in most regards to me, each dinner is just a three hour period of torturous, idle, "small talk" and "chit-chat" that drains me of energy.  Introverts NEED to decompress from these sorts of things.

As an introvert by nature, it may seem odd that most of my day-to-day is in talking and lecturing to folks.  And, perhaps it is odd.  But, I have grown over the decades to be able to do (and enjoy) lecturing and teaching.  Idle "chit-chat", however, is still something that by-and-large has me feel uncomfortable. There is a bar at both of these events, so that typically helps to "lubricate" my tongue a bit and I can grapple with the idle chit-chat and even probably am perceived as "charming" in my frumpy, sort of way.  But.... it is DRAINING.

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