Tuesday into Wednesday

I am not sure if it is stress or a "24 hour bug" or what the hell it was, but YESTERDAY was horrible and horrendous from the moment the damn alarm clock rang.  I did not want to run, I did not want to go to the U, I did not want to do anything but stay in bed.  My body ached, my TMJ was flaring, my mind was mushy, my thoughts were "doom-and-gloom", my body had no energy, I felt edgy, I had a scratchy throat, and my soul felt empty. 

Everything was a monumental struggle.  But, I did FORCE myself to run, hoping it would knock some sense into me. It tired me out a bit, so emotions were not so ready to "boil-over".    I FORCED myself to teach, which was the last thing I wanted, especially a long, long 5 hours of "big voice" lecturing.... and especially the LONG, LABORIOUS, TEDIOUS topic I had specifically in my endocrinology (comparative thyroid function across major chordate and vertebrate taxa.... which is boring as hell, difficult to remember, and rather extremely disjointed... it has theoretical "value and importance" but it is not a specific subject I particularly find "invigorating" to talk about as it is rather dry).  My other two classes were of more exciting topics, for damn sure.

I am not sure if it was the single aspirin I took at ~ 9:30am yesterday kicking in, or just being done with "big voice" lecturing for the day, but I felt a bit "better" and relieved at the end of lecturing.  Yet, I was so damned dogged tired, unfocused, and TMJ achy still, that I really did not accomplish much at my computer afterwards, even though I have a LOT of writing to do that remains on my plate.  

By 5:00pm, I could not do any more and called it quits for the day.  My wife came by to pick me up (leaving my stead at the U that she would drop me back to later) so we could travel to the pool together and swim and talk.  Actually "SWIM" is a bit of a misnomer. When I am with my wife, I do not swim per-say, but instead we both water-walk in one of the lanes.  She walks in a forward direction back-and-forth in the lane, and I walk backwards in the same lane so I can face her and we can talk together more easily.  My wife prefers walking forward as it is a major form of her exercise to try to help regulate her blood glucose.  I actually quite like walking backwards as it has my use my leg and torso muscles in the opposite fashion to how I do so while running and ends up being an added component to my "stretching" routine to keep my leg muscles more limber and from shortening and painfully tightening as can happen to folks who run without stretching (an aside, I DO traditional stretches at the conclusion of my run each day as well, because of the very important need to do so, but walking backwards further enhances the stretching results, I find). 

Immersing in the pool, the chatting, and the being able to be just "normal" (not "on" as in work, not "big voicing" as in work, not focusing on just getting crap "done" as in work) felt so wonderful.  The coolness of the water against my body was refreshing.  The talking was fun and casual.  By the time we got out of the pool, I felt CLOSE to my "normal" self.  

This morning, I again awoke with the same dread.  Fortunately, no TMJ pain, however.  I have been forcing myself through the same routine as yesterday.  Fortunately the "big voice" lecturing (3.5 hours today) was over more interesting topics in both classes. I am hoping we can swing swimming again this afternoon after my graduate seminar ends today.  It may be hard to fit in as we have a "care-and-share" event at our new Parish this evening.  It is part of the Lenten Season activities.  Sometimes they are very good, sometimes they cantilever off track precipitously so that they are just folks yammering about unrelated topics.  I am hoping for a very good event this evening.  It is SUPPOSED to be about a presentation of Catholic Missionaries who organize groups to travel to different areas worldwide where they will spend time working in service to the community.  From my understanding, their current focus is for some folks in a small village in a country in Africa (I apologize, I cannot remember which country at the moment) where the Mission and volunteers are working to rebuild their school and other parts of the village that were destroyed, I believe, due to some form of weather related cause.  My wife and I have talked about trying to serve in one of these ways for the last few years.  We are both thinking it would be something that would be valuable and helpful for us to do.  We HOPEFULLY will learn more about this tonight.  

* * * * *

I still think part of my malaise is related to it being the damnable month of March.  Today is the official, first full day of Spring, and I was sadly awoken to fresh, new snow covering everything, and temperatures around 25 degrees (-4C)  and dark skies that only brightened at sunrise to a dark, ashen grey. I keep trying to push away the many thoughts of "gloom".  

At night, I have been (as usual, I guess) allowing my mind to wander where it will go.  But, I have found that I have had to try to be more "directive" to my mind of late, for I easily can fall into "gloom" thoughts of the deaths of the the many loved ones I have had on my mind, or into thoughts and worries about the "one I no longer mention here" who is contemplating some rather poor options again which is causing both my wife and me a great deal of concern and feelings of failure.  So, to not get stuck in one of those circles of sadness thoughts, I have been forcing my mind (as best as I can) when going off to sleep, to imagine or remember one of the following three:

1.  Me simply resting in a nice, wooded park on a Summer day.... my back resting against the trunk of a big oak tree, while I quietly scan off into the distance while smoking one of my large bowled, full bent briar pipes filled with a half-and-half mixture of "Three Star Blend" and Prince Albert. 

2.  Me and my father-in-law sitting out in his back yard outdoor lounging chairs in the middle of Summer, laughing, chatting, drinking a tall whiskey and coke (his favorite Summer drink) and smoking our pipes together.

or

3.  Me actually visiting the cigar lounge and talking with folks about just "stuff" and finding and enjoying a cigar in a quiet, casual afternoon.  

PipeTobacco