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Bad Son

I am not sure how long this post will be because I am angry, furious, sad, frustrated, and ashamed all in one.

1. I am angry because my mother only told me moments (roughly midnight) ago that she had been experiencing swelling in her feet... after having had it since she got up Sunday morning. I am angry that she did not tell me earlier when I could have done something about it.

2. I am furious at constantly having to second guess what it is that she is thinking or planning or doing. As you know, my mother has been eating poorly and drinking poorly or not at all since a long while prior to her previous hospitalization. My wife came out to the garage to talk to me a moment at around 10 am Sunday to say the house smelled like someone (my mother) might have vomited. I went inside, and asked her, and did not actually smell the odor my wife thought she did. My mother denied throwing up so I let it drop. I really do not know if I should believe her or not. My wife sometimes thinks she smells things that ARE NOT there, so I don't know how to judge. Why cannot my mother simply tell me what is happening? Do I have to make a check list for every damn thing that I could possibly think of and have her answer it each and every morning (Question 1... Did you take your blood glucose?.... Question 2... Was the blood glucose below 100?... Question #368... Did you take your dose of morning medicines?... Question 1098... Did you throw up in the last 24 hours?... Question 1433... Are your feet swollen?.... Question 1467... Is there anything... anything under the entire universe that relates to your health that you have not told me about?)

3. I am sad because I work very hard to try to keep my elderly mother safe and healthy. I also work like hell to keep my wife happy during this time of frustration. I am tired and sad and feeling over burdened, and under appreciated. In my dreams I am often now experienincing images of running away, and I think it may very litterally be what my body is craving.

4. I am frustrated because I do not know what the hell else I can do? Is this all that life has to offer me?

5. I feel ashamed because I should be able to do this with more grace. I should be able to do this without feeling angry upset, etc. I should be able to suck up all the things I had dreamed about and hoped for in life and put them in a box in the attic to withdraw at some future time if I live long enough to see a time where I can live again. I know I damn well should not feel this way... but I do. THere I said it. I do.

That has been my life today. It has also been hotter than hell. I can only imagine what our A/C bill will be for this.

PipeTobacco