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Drifting

Well, I have been trying to live a new "philosophy" today... that of simple acceptance. Acceptance for my role in life... which is primarily that of a caretaker for most everyone I know and love. I am mentally and emotionally letting slide the other aspects of my life because they are too difficult... by either being too time-consuming, or they need too much structure and predictability to have any hope of attaining them.

I shall no long plan and strive and work to try to uncover a bit of truly valuable new knowledge in my research. Instead, I will play at it, letting my research students simply "mess around" with their own efforts.

I shall no longer pursue the book I was hoping to publish, actually a textbook. Instead, I will just accept the books already available.

I shall no longer dream of writing a detective novel.

I shall no longer work to continually improve my ability to teach. Instead, I will simply just keep the same old notes, and give the same sorts of lectures and assignments.

I shall no longer participate in the community orchestra so as to not disrupt family care time.

I think that the above will make it easier for me, for my family, and for life in general. It saddens me, but that too shall dissipate as I get more used to it. And, it will make things easier... to not strive for difficult things will make life less challenging.

It is interesting that I just realized I had used "Drifting" as the title of this essay. In one sense it is a very good title, for it is my opinion that describes it fully..... sort of akin to "coasting". But on the other side of the coin, it reminds me of drinking. A few of my colleagues and friends at the U half jokingly / half seriously suggested I might want a few extra bottles of liquor to help in coping. But the (perhaps) odd thing for me is that during times of stress, or times of anger, or times of sorrow, or times of any harsh emotion... I do not feel like drinking in the slightest.

The intoxicating effects of liquor are something I relish and enjoy participating in, but for me, the only time I drink is when I am feeling happy and content. I believe for me, the reason for drinking only when happy is that for me I view alcohol as simply a substance that has as its effect the ability to intensify the feelings you are experiencing. That is why on those occasions when I am feeling confident and content, then I enjoy drinking and even sometimes do so with gusto... I end up exacerbating those great feelings. Unfortunately the same thing happens with the negative emotions as well. And why the hell would I wish to intensify frustration, anger, fear, etc.? I do not, and therefore, I end up not having any desire for alcoholic beverages at those times.

To me, when I drink, I drink to amplify the positive emotions I am feeling. When I feel happy I drink, and the alcohol adds to the joviality. When I am fearful, (or hurt or etc.), I do not desire amplifying those horrid emotions and therefore do not drink. So, if you had thought my title meant a fun frolic, alas I was using an alternative definition.

PipeTobacco