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Tired & Beat Down

Today was exhausting on several levels. The classes were pleasant enough. Today I taught two different sections of Anatomy & Physiology. The topics discussed the tail end of the chapter on the special senses.... specifically hearing & balance and then I started the chapter on chemical messages. But the day also is exhausting because it seems so long, for I keep thinking about how my mother is no longer at home. I do this inadvertently at least a dozen times a day. I do something at work, and then my mind slips into its routine pattern... perhaps I should call Mom to check in on her and see how she is feeling... and even before that thought fully gels in my mind, the reality of her death kicks me again in the stomach like a newly shod horse hoof.

Please know that I understand mentally the finality of this change in my life. But emotionally, I am still feeling the emotion as a raw, open wound of saddness. A part of me thought while driving home, that I should attempt to throw myself into volunteer work (soup kitchen, homeless shelters, etc) to pay homage to my mother's memory. Additionally, I am thinking of trying to set up a scholarship fund at my U in my mother and father's name. Yet, while these measures in theory seem to be a positive way to cope with my loss, I know deep in my soul that I DO NOT have the energy to really get up to snuff with my day-to-day work at the moment, let alone try to add more responsibilities to my day.

I feel I am getting more used to this horrid change. But the change has left me a hollow shell of my former self.

Again, God, please, please grant me the blessing of receiving a definitive sign from my beloved Mother from heaven. To receive this gift would help me to cope... and I believe it would go a great way towards invigorating my spirit and my energy. Please let Her speak to me.

PipeTobacco