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Today is the Funeral

Today is the funeral. I will probably sleep in until the last possible moment before I have to get up to get there in a timely fashion.

I have been feeling a whole plethora of emotions. Sadness. Fear. Sometimes I feel nothing. I feel I know what I should do, but I have not the energy to do any of it. Typically I sit, and think. Sit, and think.

I think about all those I love who are now dead. I think about how I will also be dead some day. I think of that utter void of nothing.

When my class let out this evening, it was the last day of the graduate class and we finished an hour or so early. I was walking upstairs after spending about half an hour tidying up my office. I saw outside the windows in the stairway, two of my students just talking with each other in the parking lot by their automobiles.

It made me feel a pang of jealousy. It seemed so casual and so carefree and fun to just sit and chat, without much care or rhyme or reason. For me, it seems like death and fear lurk around every corner. The few seconds here and there when I can forget about death and decay are shattered and fragmented by the cascade of fears I feel.

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