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"Carefree" is More Than Chewing Gum

Alternative title for this post "Bowling, Beer, & Briars"

Today has been a day of longing and desire. For what, you may ask? Oddly enough, I have had a strong "hankerin" to go down to the local bowling alley and bowl several games, drink several mugs of beer followed by shots of beautifully harsh whiskey, eat burgers and fries, and smoke multiple bowls of heavy, heady pipe tobacco. It all sounds so beautiful.

Shall I fulfill my longing and desire? Unfortunately no. It is not that I do not want to fulfill this desire, but more akin to the fact that I cannot fulfill this desire. Why you ask? It is unfortunately simple... I could go to the bowling alley, bowl, drink, eat, and smoke as I see fit, but in the end it would not lead me to what I want. I would simply tire my arm out from bowling, become a bit wobbly from the drink, become full in my gut (and perhaps have significant indigestion from the grease), and smoke my pipe as I typically do anyway.

What the hell is it that I want, then? What I want and crave and long for... is that carefree feeling of relaxed joy and contentment, that heady feeling of simplicity in life, that utter confidence that the world is a good place, and that life is itself good and and filled with joy and all was pretty darn right with my own little part of the world. That is what I want to feel.

I remember excursions just as I have described (bowling, beer, whiskey, hearty food, pipes and laughter, good times, and camaraderie and fun) from back in my graduate school days. I and a few friends would go and make an afternoon out of it, "sneaking" away from the lab on a light workload day, to have fun, to make fun with and of each other. This happened more frequently during the Summer than in the Winter, but probably once every three or four weeks. They were a helluva lot of fun.

So, while I could mimic and model my actions after those earlier times, the net result would be failure. Failure because while the outer shell... the exterior... the actions would be the same as in those previous joy-filled times, but the carefree abandon, the simplicity of life and effort would be absent... dare I say impossible to replicate. I could bowl, I could drink, I could stuff myself, I could smoke a bale of pipe tobacco... and yet I would not recapture that tranquil belief of possibility. I could never recapture that freedom of belief that life will provide the raw materials to help me feel casual and content.

Life today is less about young men feeling happy with life and drinking richly from life's rich cup of bounty... but more about suppressing sadness, masking pain, and simply slogging through the day. Adding bowling, food, drink, and pipes to that mix would be akin to blending oil and water. It is incongruent. Both can exist, but they do not interact.

I am not sure if I can ever feel that idea of possibility and joy again. Perhaps I am too jaded, perhaps I have lost the ability to see life in that way anymore. I do not know.

PipeTobacco