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Jingle - Jangle

I am currently sitting in a classroom proctoring an exam, so I thought I would try to write as I have been lax for quite a spell.

I am literally a jangle of raw, bundled nerves at present. The meeting looms for this coming Friday, and I am unsure of what the outcome shall be. There are several candidates that I feel are well suited and would be wonderful to work with. Yet, there is one candidate that I feel unable to work with and I fear he will be selected.

I keep running through my mind the ways I can handle this possible outcome, but all of them leave me very sad with a dead, weighted feeling in my heart. I can a) become a bastard and demand my way in every situation where I have to interact with this fellow (via senority to him).... but this is not my personality and I could not keep that up for long, b) I could become an easy patsy in the classroom... giving away "A" grades to keep students coming to my courses instead of his... but again, this is not in my psyche or visage to do so, c) I could seek employment elsewhere at another university.... there is of course the difficulty in finding a position if I could get one, and of leaving the campus I love and have tried to make a positive mark upon all these years... it would be very, very hard psychologically, but better than losing my own sense of worth, or d) I could put out feelers on campus to try to obtain an administrative position within the U... but again, this is not a role I ever wanted to pursue even though there have been offers previously.... the change would be difficult to obtain and difficult to muster psychologically... but again it is far, far better than losing my own sense of worth.

So, four viable candidates that I like and would be very happy to work with, and one that will change the course of my life in ways that I do not want to change. Who will be selected? I cannot know. I hope and pray it is one of the candidates I like.

My nerves have been so on edge since the interview nearly two weeks ago that it is difficult to think and function at times. I have grave difficulty falling asleep, and I have tremendous difficulty awakening in the morning. I have given up coffee as it makes me more tense and on edge. I have no patience with students or others in the Department. I feel angry and hurt virtually every moment. I can only find a bit of peace at home where I know I am loved. But, even at home, the weight of my fears is smothering.

Last night, I tried to write many hours of text here concerning my mother's death and its impact on me. It has been roughly 54 weeks now, and the pain is still deep and harsh. But I deleted the enormous essay as it was just the same old sh*t I always say and I have had enough grief about being redundant on that issue in the past.

PipeTobacco