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Effort

I am working to try and put into effect the messages I heard when I went to Mass at the small inner-city parish this past Saturday (for Palm Sunday). The major ideas of my effort include:

1. Giving my struggle (my anger, resentment, and worry) over to God.

2. Praying more to talk with God about what I feel.

3. Learning the ability to focus my thoughts during prayer (my mind will race to-and-fro when I attempt prayer, usually about my anger, resentment and worry).

4. Realizing that no matter how this ends, I can be a "free" person... a person who does not have to suffer and be in pain and agony.

5. Realizing that I do not NEED the "family" of my Department, and also realizing that I no longer really even WANT to consider them a family of sorts.

6. Realizing that without the burden of keeping my dysfunctional Department "family" together and focused, I will have significantly greater time to pursue more meaningful efforts in life.

7. Seeing that perhaps the Department's blatantly rude and evil decision was a tool used by God to SHOW me how unnecessary my care and efforts for then and towards them are.

With this focus, it is becoming less of a struggle to attend to my work. Please do not get me wrong... the last several days have been hell. But, keeping my focus squarely on a) providing for my students, b) ignoring anyone in my Department who is not my friend, c) making myself scarce in Departmental gathering spots, and d) conducting communication with the people I dislike only via brief e-mail communication, I have found a greater focus and think I will be able to get used to this different direction I am being led.

It is still my hope that a) God may grant this fellow the Department selected a nicer, better job elsewhere so he will decline the position or b) the Dean may view the Department's decision with a jaundiced eye and may select one of the other (much preferred by me) candidates. Yet, I am working to keep perspective that whatever the outcome, I have options and ways to cope that will allow me to be happy. It is difficult to maintain that notion 24 hours a day, and I often slip back into my thoughts of anger, frustration and fear. But, and this is a big but, I am trying to see and embrace a light... of protection and care... from God.

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