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Survival?

I am trying to survive. I am trying to find a way to flourish. The best that I can hope and pray for is that this fellow picked by the Department will have received a better job offer at another institution and will turn down our offer. I hope and pray that is what happens, but I do not expect it. I pray to God that He might grant me this wish.

One point of value from the meeting on Friday is that I now know blatantly, exactly how little the members of the Department care about me and how little they view our Department as a "family". I no longer have that delusion. We are not a family of any sort, and as a Department, I really do not give a damn about any of them. There are two individuals who I consider true, real friends. These two are people whom I would want to see outside of work. The others? I do not need them. I do not need to try to please them. I do not need to ever again try to take their best interests to heart in any decisions I may make.

My wife agreed with me that I needed to spend some time alone in an effort to try to sort this out. We decided to attend Mass separately this weekend as it is often a challenge to concentrate when together with the whole family. So, I went off alone and drove across town to Mass at the small inner city parish I have written about before. I went there specifically because I have felt more spiritually alive at this ethnically diverse Catholic church than I have felt at my home parish or at the other nearby parishes I occasionally visit.

On my drive there, I tried to focus my mind... focus my mind away from the bitter hurt and resentment towards those who hurt me in my Department. It was a struggle because I have been in such excruciating emotional pain. I kept repeating,

"God, please let me give this to you. I cannot carry this hurt. Please help me."

I tried to focus on this during the entirety of the long drive. It was so difficult to break my focus from my own hurt, from my own pain. I really only could hold my thoughts on anything outside of my pain for a few moments. I kept hoping if I could actually focus, I might find peace and understanding through my faith.

At Mass, the first reading (all the readings actually) were just as difficult for me to concentrate upon. My mind kept racing back to my pain, my hurt, my sorrow. My mind would easily drift back to what I wanted to say to the people who voted to hurt me.

But, I kept trying to focus on what was being read, hoping to find help. In the first reading, snippets I heard included,

"The Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue... ... I gave my back to those who beat me... ... my cheeks to those who plucked my beard... ... my face I did not shield from buffets and spitting... The Lord God is my help, therefore I am not disgraced. I have set my face like flint, knowing that I shall not be put to shame."

The second reading was similar, only snippets being recalled. The Gospel reading was about the betrayal of Jesus by Judas, Peter, and the various others, and ended in His death by crucifixion.

The Homily by the priest was of great value to me. The ideas were that through His death by crucifixion, I am free and need not worry or fear. Also, the imperfectness of humans' love and care for one another is so vast and so large that it can hurt and destroy us. God and His love is the only constant love we can rely on.

Help me! (Azru Li! in Hebrew) is what I plead to God for. But I must take His advice as described by the theologians and relayed by this small parish priest today. I must learn that I am free. He has given me freedom. I do not need be afraid.

I am sad that I have lost some of the train of thought that I felt through Mass. If I had only brought a pad of paper to write down my ideas and impressions through the Mass. I am going to pray tonight when I go to bed, and I will pray more fervently than I have in a long time. Here is what I shall pray about:

1. I want to ask God to please return to my mind the insight I was exposed to during Mass. Please help me to remember the important ideas.

2. I want to continue to ask God to please let me give my pain and worry to Him. Please help me to give it up to You, Lord.

3. Please God, please take care of me and watch out for me. Please keep me safe and free.

4. Please God, I am learning again, please help me and also help the candidate the Department selected..... Please allow this fellow to get a job that is better somewhere else so that he turns us down.

5. Please God, due your will. Please, however, help me to understand.

I am going to go to bed to try to remember via my dreams what it is I am not fully recalling.

Marty Haugen's hymn, "We Remember" was played during Communion. The first verse and the refrain were especially touching to me:

"Here, a million wounded souls are yearning just to touch you and be healed.
Gather all our people, and hold them to your heart.
We remember how you loved us to your death,
and still we celebrate,
for you are with us here;
and we believe that we will see you
when you come in your glory, Lord.
We remember, we celebrate, we believe."

Please God, I am trying to once again believe and feel your presence and hope for me. Please help me... Azru Li!

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