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Long & Winding Road

Yesterday was a difficult day for me to keep focus on my new life. I kept being distracted from my goals of having thoughts of God being in charge and control. Distractions were from many sources and I would often find myself back in the midst of feeling pain, hurt, anger and resentment at the members of my Department. Please do not get me wrong... I STILL DO feel anger, pain, hurt, and deep seated resentment at my Department and may likely feel that way for many, many years. Yet, what I have been working to do is to find my way to continue to LIVE in the midst of this new sadly revealing turn of events by my Department. It is a difficult task for me to accomplish, but it is something I must do if I am to regain happiness, peace, and be able to succeed in doing good work in my life.

What I have been doing (as best as I can with my herky-jerky emotional state and terrible lack of focus) is to focus in prayer on three things. The first item is to pray to help me know and understand how important it is to give this problem over to God. The second item is talk with God about my grave fears and worries and ask him to help me. During this part of my prayer I ask God to please consider offering this fellow a better job at another university that he gladly accepts. I do not know if God will grant me this request, but I hope He does. I believe that I would be better able to grow and thrive in my new direction and in my new goals of service if he is willing to grant me this hope. I also explain to God that regardless of His decision, I will try as hard as I can to still follow the new path/vision he has shown to me. I worry about the degree of stress I will have, however, if this new possible hire accepts. Finally, I pray to God and try to have Him help me to better see and clarify my new role in life.

I sit and wait and try to pray, and when I do not pray, I try to work. When I do not pray and do not work I struggle and fall deeper into the abyss of despair. Yet, sometimes I am swirling in that abyss, losing my breath, gasping for air and filled with terror no matter how strenuously I try to find those other thoughts.

I am scared.

PipeTobacco