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Lack of...

I am feeling very down today. I had a horrendous time falling asleep last night and even though I tried my techniques to prepare for bed, I had a hard time clearing my mind of the "what if" questions and the doubts and regrets.

I am trying to live experientially, but yesterday, especially last night was enormously difficult. I am trying to let things slide off my back. I am trying to not feel second rate and useless. I am trying to not think about "Super Puppy". I am trying to not think about the deaths in my family. I am trying to not think about my worries and fears both internally and externally.

At times like these I feel an inept fool, akin to a useless pile of waste. I fear, what is the point of anything? We are on an inevitable march towards death. There I fear being forever alone. What is the point?

Nightmares abounded last night. The major one was again that of being in a nebulous space of absolutely nothing. I was suspended in a vast grey area, no up or down, no side-to-side as far as I could see. It was simply hazy, grey nothingness. I could not touch or feel anything. The temperature was neither hot nor cold, the air neither dry and pure, nor wet and heavy. The lighting, if you can call it that was nebulous, neither dark nor light. I could not move, I could not think. I could not even feel the weight of gravity upon my body. I was simply suspended there for all of eternity. Forever.

I awoke, groggy and listless, covered in sweat and my arms and legs sore from clenching them so tightly for so long. I uncurled my fingers and my toes and tried to force them to relax, but even that felt uncomfortable. When I have this nightmare, I awake more tired than I was when I went to bed. It was not the only nightmare I had last night. I had the nightmare of watching over and over and over again every person I have known and loved, dying before me. In this nightmare, I am unable to touch them as they are beyond a glass wall. All I can do is watch their terror and see their pain as they expire. Hundreds of hundreds of people before me, and I am outside their area and can only observe their horrendously sad passing. The third nightmare that I recall was the one where I am between two vast canyons on a three rope bridge... one for my feet, and two for my hands. I am in the middle of this multi-mile crossing when I see an enormous bolder rolling down the bridge towards me. This boulder is at least 15 feet across and it will crush and pulverize my body, but if I jump, there is a perpetual free-fall towards a hard, rocky, and jagged ground several miles below. The nightmare stops as I am in free-fall waiting for the crashing of my body against the rocks. In my mind as I fall, I am imagining (though not trying to) my skull smashing against the jagged rock and splitting open and all of my brain and cerebral fluid becoming like mush upon impact and dribbling slowly down the rocks.

I am so exhausted from this night of terror films going through my mind. I am going to try to go for my five mile walk. I do not know if it will help me shake off the tiredness and the sense of despair and gloom. But it is all I have. Then I shall get a large coffee, and consume it as I head to work.

Feel the joy within me.

PipeTobacco