Ambiguity

I did not accomplish my goal of zero bowls of pipe tobacco consumed yesterday.  I *do* think the lack of structure had something to do with it (like on Saturday), but in reality, I was simply feeling quite ambiguous about the whole thing for some reason yesterday. It was very odd, and not really my normal behavior at all.  Neither of the two bowls were consumed in a typical fashion for me, either.  I only smoked each time for perhaps a little less than a minute.  Normally when I smoke a pipe, it is a long affair, which can last 15-20 minutes on average, but if I try, I can often have a bowl last 45 minutes or so.

So, Here is a brief synopsis of my day and how my behavior was rather atypical for me in many respects:

I felt virtually no cravings for my pipe or pipe tobacco the entire day.  I walk outside to cool off a bit, because the house was rather warm in the later afternoon.  I reach into my winter coat and there is one of my pipes and pouch.  I still felt no desire or craving.   I walk around a bit.  I then begin to fill the bowl of the pipe with crumbles of tobacco from my pouch.  Yet, I am not feeling any desire, cravings, or even anticipation.  I stick the filled pipe back into my pocket and continue to meander around a bit.  I find the lack of anticipation especially odd.

A few more minutes pass, and I purposefully take out the pipe from my pocket and ignight the leaf in the bowl.  I smoke for a minute or so, and no positive, nor any negative effects or emotions.  No cravings fullfilled, no desire that becomes satiated, no gentle massaging of the neurons in my brain, no feelings of contentment, no feeling of my mind being awashed with the beauty of the nicotine.  But also no phlegmy feeling in my lungs, no feelings of failure (from not doing what I said I would do), nor any insight into myself or my behavior.

After a bit less than a minute, I quit actively smoking the pipe, and the flame dies out in the bowl rather quickly.  Still no physical or emotional effects for me, positive or negative.  So odd, and not like me at all.

Then, late in the evening, before I go to bed, I step outside, relight this same pipe again, and see if anything is different.  Nope, still the same, no positive or negative effects or emotions.  I smoke for barely a minute, and then I knock the bowl of the pipe against the heel of my shoe, allowing the ashes to fall out onto the snowy path I am standing on.  I see the scattering of red embers go out in only a few moments as they are being cooled by the wet snow covering the ground.

So, I am not really sure what, if anything to make of my Sunday experience.  Perhaps it simply is?  Who knows.  I sure as hell do not know.

Today (Monday) seems like it should be easy to accomplish my goal.  But who knows.  I still feel rather ambiguous.

I figured it out mathematically last night, and EVEN WITH THE BUMPS, GLITCHES, AND FAILURES  I have had (on Saturdays and the few days around Christmas), since November 26th, the start of my new "special occasion pipe smoking" endeavor, I have decreased my pipe smoking by 94%

Damn, 94% is a lot.  It would typically be a percentage where I would give a student of mine an "A" grade.  It is one percentage point shy the standard "p" value (often written p-value or probability value) for statistical significance in most science research.

Still, I do not know what to think.  I do not feel any positive or negative emotions about the number either.  I think I am going to go home fairly early this afternoon and maybe work on organizing my garage some.  It is disorganized as hell at the moment, and since it is a bit warmer today than in the last several, it would be pretty nice to be outside some more today.

Oh, the painting above is by a great artist named Yuri Tremler.  Some of his work was on display at the U a while back and I remember it fondly.  The particular image I show above is one entitled "Ambiguity".   
  
PipeTobacco

Today's (Monday's) Goal = 0

Yesterday's [1/5] (Sunday's) Goal = 0  bowls
Actual consumption (Sunday) = 2 bowls