PCS Variations
When I last posted last Wednesday, I was in the midst of some fairly mild PCS ratings (hovering in the 3 or 4 range). The last several days have been a mix of very busy days, trying to fit in all sorts of needed activities, including:
- lots of cyborging for class (as usual)
- tending to the wounds on my wife from her skin visit a while back
- practicing the music for band
- helping out the kids on several of their various projects
- trying to help my mother-in-law, who I think may be starting to enter into either dementia or Alzheimers.... she is becoming profoundly unable to remember day-to-day things. We have an appointment scheduled with her physician
- yard work
- getting gardening efforts lined up
- a small U related trip to a meeting about 3 hours away... but the six hours of driving and the three hour meeting ended up taking up the whole day
- trying to get my home computer to function more swiftly (defragging, etc)
- working with my research students (at the start of a semester, there tends to be need for a lot more individual time with them (especially the new research students)
So.... busy.... yes... but nothing horrendously traumatic, not excessively stressful..... just a busy time. But, lo and behold, Friday... especially Friday afternoon was an extremely high PCS day:
My PCS score was definitely at 10 on Friday. Every moment of the day, I deeply wanted to have a pipe. Hell.... that last sentence is really a true understatement of that earlier part of the day.... I truly wanted a pipe more than my breakfast... and I was damn hungry. I wanted a pipe more than staying in bed.... and I was tired. However, it became even more intense.
But, by the time it reached Friday afternoon, the desire was such that I was not able to focus on nearly anything other than wanting to grab one of my pipes and tobaccos. When I arrived home from the U, I actually went and filled a pipe with strong burley leaf, and tested and filled one of my Zippo pipe lighters, and headed out to the back yard. My mind was fixed completely on the pipe and how I was going to experience my pipe again.
When I sat, though, I was angry at myself, because I DID NOT want to have this experience be so frenetic, so "feverishly" driven, so feeling almost compulsive. I wanted a return to be beautiful, and delightfully calm, be richly flavorful and mentally relaxing.
I ended up forcing myself to go for a walk.... thinking I would walk for a half an hour, and if I still felt as I did, I would fire up my pipe.... even if it was not the beautiful, magical experience I had envisioned for a return.
When I returned from the walk, a bit of the desperate desire I had appeared to have dissipated a little bit. I still would have loved smoking a pipe... but I did not feel the utter compulsion to do so. So, I put the pipe back in my pipe rack.
I DO NOT know why the pipe desire came on SO VERY strongly on Friday, and I am not sure why it kept persisting and would not lessen for so long. And, yes, I had ran a full 10.2 miles (~16.5 km) early on Friday morning. The strength of the desire increased so very rapidly and intensely that it took me off guard. I believe it was the MOST intensive desire I have had for my pipe since the six weeks of Lent over three years ago.... when I first laid down my pipes. Sometimes I wonder if I am just fooling myself here on this effort?
* * * * *
Yesterday, I ran my May 1/2 Marathon run (13.2 miles (~21km)) and today I ran 10.2 miles ( ~16.5 km).
So, that is a total of 23.4 miles (~38 km) in two days. I am glad about that.
Not much else to say, I guess.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
Going back to my pipes after many years of absence was, in retrospect, one of the best decisions I ever made. In my case, I regret the years I spent away, but I think from all you've written you don't need to regret your years of abstinence, just as you shouldn't regret returning someday to the comforts and delights of your pipes and tobaccos. Just make a plan for returning in a way that won't fan your guilt, and you should do fine. Maybe instead of waiting for the next time of overwhelming desperation, you could set a meaningful date a week or two in advance, and affirmatively plan to return to your pipes at that time. When that date arrives, if it's a peaceful time, you can have the beautiful and magical experience you envision... but if you are feeling stress and feverishness you could defer and set another "return" date a week or two ahead. One way or another, your pipes should be a source of joy for you, Professor, not a source of stress. Godspeed the day when you can make it so!
So right that you don't want a pipe experience to be so desperate and rushed; what you love about it is partly the relaxation it brings, right? I admire how much you run. I doubt that my knees could take it. Sorry to hear about your MIL.
That is a very strong compulsion. I didn't realize that it could be so strong. Mind you, I know you have said that this isn't normally the case. Your willpower is actually very strong to be able to resist.
Walking is amazing. I need to do it more.
Coffee is on and stay safe
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