Damn Frustrating
Actually, I probably should rephrase the above..... I am FEELING very frustrated today.
Nothing "problematic" is going on:
- I ran my 11 miles (~18 km)
- I got to work on time
- I did fine with my first lecture.
- I did fine with my second lecture.
- Things are progressing as they typically do.
So, why do I feel ornery and out of sorts?
- I think I am having a "got up on the wrong side of the bed" day. I just feel aggravated and ornery.
- I would like to be taking a long nap. I feel tired. I feel sleepy. I feel unfocused.
- I slipped into an early morning mindset of thinking about the two horrible people at work. And, even though I was trying my best to listen to and thereby convert my negative emotions about them by watching TWO Capuchin Masses while I ran... my mind kept all too easily slipping out of focus on Mass and into a replay of my resentments towards those two.
- My wife was being rather forgetful this morning, which scares the hell out of me, even though I try to not mention it. She shares enough traits with her Mom.... and the idea that she *might* get dementia-level forgetful like her Mom..... the idea is too frightening for words.
- I am also angry about pipes. After FOUR DAMN YEARS.... I sure as hell thought I should have some sort of definitive answers, a definitive pathway to follow. I thought by this time I would know definitively that I would simply stay away from my pipes and pipe tobaccos, or I would know I returned to them.
So, that is about it.
PipeTobacco
6 Comments:
You sound like a man who needs a yummy salad for dinner, paired with a nice glass of wine. Be kind to yourself, Professor!
My mom is getting short of breath again which makes me nervous. I was so delighted that it was better but a leaky heart valve means it's going to be chronic. I wish I knew why it was good for a while and then not. Definite answers are difficult(impossible?) to find about many dilemmas, parenting among them. Thinking of you!
I tend to get cranky when I get too tired. That might also be your excuse. If so, use it liberally. 😀
I haven't heard that word...ornery for a while. Yes it was one the words my father use on me.
Coffee is on and stay safe
After FOUR DAMN YEARS.... I sure as hell thought I should have some sort of definitive answers, a definitive pathway to follow. I thought by this time I would know definitively that I would simply stay away from my pipes and pipe tobaccos, or I would know I returned to them.
I think I've mentioned to you my friend who, even 30 years after giving up his pipes, said that he felt them tugging at him almost every day, and that if his wife predeceased him he intended to go back to them right away. I'm not some kind of expert, but observation suggests to me that a true pipe smoker NEVER loses the deep yearnings that you've described. And while part of that may be chemical, it sure seems that a big part of it is emotional, psychological, even spiritual.
You show yourself here to be a strong-willed fellow who could, if you chose, withstand those yearnings for the rest of your life. But "could" may or may not be the same as "should" -- only you know the answer to that.
As for your two horrible colleagues... may I suggest a Lenten vow? Maybe you could pray a rosary each day for each of the two, and commit yourself to doing some anonymous kindness for each of them each week during Lent? If you could see the two as "people whom you need to help, despite themselves" instead of "two jerks who abuse me when they can," you might not be able to change them, but if you could move from anger to pity it might help your own peace of mind.
Both of your comments above resonate strongly with me in terms of my thoughts:
1. I thought by NOW I would have a definitive answer on the “should” question. I do believe as you suggest, that I will always want to.
2. I had the exact same thought for one of my Lenten vows. I will need to firm up my plans, as Lent is fast (hah, an unintended pun) approaching.
PipeTobacco
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