Blast
A "BLAST" post of 15 minutes so that I can try to get down things:
- I ran 13.3 miles today (~21.5 km) today. I have to admit I really DID NOT want to run this morning. I woke up achy, with a sore back, a deflated mood, and an ornery disposition. But, while everyone else in the house continued to merrily sleep... including the dog and the cat, I went outside and hit the pavement at 4:15am and hoofed through the damn miles.
- The darkness at that time of morning was starting to worry me. Yesterday, I was getting pretty damn worried that I would not see something and would catch my foot and fall and hurt myself again. So, when I got out of the U yesterday, I went to the local "big box" sporting goods store and purchased one of those lantern lights to wear on my cap.
Some of you may remember that my friend AC mentioned wearing such a light before when I was talking about running in the dark. In reply, I had told him that I had tried one before, and it had given me motion sickness when I was running because of the movement of the light. I WAS still quite worried about that when I went into the "big box" store, but I was actually MORE WORRIED about the potential to fall by not seeing something that I went in thinking I could try to see if anything had improved since I bought (and eventually returned) the last "gizmo light" I had so disliked.
Well... either my first light I bought was really "cheap" and "junky" in design, or there have been some pretty significant improvements since that time, but I found THREE different head lights at the store that all seemed far more stable and less likely to cause motion sickness than before. AND, one of them had a RECHARGEABLE battery (USB connection) which sealed the deal on which I selected.
- So, I strapped the damn thing on my head when I went out today.... fearing the impending motion sickness..... but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was with the first (failed) light from a long time ago.
- The light did make my run feel much safer. And with no motion sickness.... I will be strapping it on for the foreseeable future.
Perhaps the MOST important bit of this story is the conclusion, however..... even though I REALLY did NOT want to run this morning.... after I was done:
- I felt much less achy.... my back was no longer sore, my shoulder was no longer sore.
- I was tuckered out, of course.... but I also no longer felt ornery or deflated. I felt... simply normal.
- I have had this sort of experience often with running, and in part, the way my physicality and mood (typically) improves from running in the early morning.
PCS = 8.... an improvement of sorts.... but STILL the cravings and desires are significantly strong. Margaret suggested in my comments yesterday that perhaps I SHOULD just go ahead and have a pipe. I DO very much like that thought and idea. It feels and seems like it would be such a beautiful and magical experience after all this time away. I fully believe that after this 4.5+ years away have likely reset my neurons in a way that the beautiful power, the incredible essence of pipe would feel just as deeply profound as it did when I was a kid. To potentially experience that sort of sheer magic again is very, very tempting. But, even if the pipe did not elicit the deep magic like it did when I was a kid.... I know that it would still provide the beautiful nourishment to my mind that it always has provided me for decades.
I just do not know if in my current mindset, if ONE pipe would be something I would abide to, or if I would simply cascade like a torrential waterfall back into my regular patterns of indulgence.
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
I approve of the head lamp! Much, much safer. You have been reasonably fortunate with your falls up to now but that doesn't mean it would have remained that way. So, how indulgent were you? Could you set some sort of limit--like I am allowed 3 or 4 pipes per week? Or fewer so that you can show you have power over it. Just a thought--I'm NOT pro-pipe at all but I do want you to be happier and not as conflicted.
Unlike Margaret, I'm one of a tiny few "pro-pipe" readers here. And I expect that you are closer than Margaret in guessing the likely outcome of your trying a pipe or two.
Professor, you spent decades becoming a pipe smoker. You spent many years teaching your body, mind, and soul to respond in a happy way to every aspect of what a bowl of pipe tobacco provides to you. Once you rediscover what you've been depriving yourself of, it would be silly not to make the most of its cosseting and beneficial additions to your life.
But I think there may be one way to do something like Margaret suggests, yet in a way that will avoid your "torrential waterfall" worry. It's what I did for the first few months after I came back to my pipes. I resolved that I would only smoke my pipes in one room inside my home, or on one patio outside. I think that I physically could have maintained that discipline indefinitely, but after a few months I realized that I no longer wanted to maintain such a "discipline" over something that I had found to be an objective good however I pursued it. But even after I let go of that discipline, I would say that the vast majority of my pipe smoking to this day occurs in that one room or on that porch.
As they say, though, your mileage may vary. Though at 13+ miles in a typical run, your mileage greatly exceeds mine, for which you should be proud.
And I'm glad to read that your PCS has dropped to an 8. I've long maintained that you should go back to your pipes, but that if possible you should do so as an act of reason and will, not as a "capitulation" to unmanageable stress. The vast majority of pipe smokers end up returning to the pastime when they capitulate to stress, so I hope you can manage your return at a less stressful time when you will be less prone to feelings of guilt or "throwing in the towel" and more to feeling that you are restoring a prior balance back to your life. Good luck with it all, Professor!
Just to clarify--I'm not pro-pipe (my husband died of lung cancer at 59) but I'm not anti-pipe either. I drink a couple beers a week which I know isn't good for me, but sure hits the spot.
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