Herstory

My beloved dog appears to be doing well with her medication at the moment.  She has been given (as I mentioned) some sort of anti-inflammatory/steroid/pain combination medicine.  In speaking with the veterinarian I am to continue giving this to her through the weekend and then stop on Monday morning.

Her behavior and physiology all seem to again be reasonably close to normal at the moment.  She is perhaps a bit less frenetic.  She has had consistent bowel movements and urinations.  She has barked some at noises she hears.  So, thus far things are hopeful.  

Yet, I still feel a sense of dread and terror that I am having difficulty shaking.  Her initial crisis really threw me for a loop.  I have always been extremely careful about all aspects of her care, and until this crisis, she has been very energetic, robust, and seemed younger than her years.  

When we obtained her, it was originally at the urging of my youngest daughter, as she had wanted a dog for a long time.  During most of our marriage my wife and I had mostly had many cats of various sorts.  I had also had cats as my primary pet prior to marriage, when in graduate school.  Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love dogs, and I had two great dogs growing up (and many cats as well).  In adulthood, I think the primary reason I gravitated towards cats was simply because of easier care requirements for cats.  With the ability to have an indoor litterbox, it made the variances of graduate school timetables more manageable, and this convenience is perhaps the major reason we had only cats for much of our marriage.  You CAN, if needed, leave a cat to its own devices for a day or two if travel is required.  Our cats often gave us grumpy faces for a bit upon return, but they were safe, secure and sound.  But, a dog necessitates a far more consistent routine, and of course this is in part for potty breaks, but also tends to include food too, as MOST dogs will tend to overeat if food is available.  Some cats do as well, but it is not as common.   

I love all the pets I have had, quite dearly.  And, even though arguably, we obtained our dog because my youngest daughter so wanted a dog, I also knew that it was more than probable that the dog would become my primary responsibility.  I think that is often common for dogs in families, but it goes further than that....

I am not sure what it is, but throughout my whole life, pet animals (dogs and cats primarily, but cockatiels, guinea pigs, and other sundry pets I have been around (at home, during college and graduate school, and into full adulthood) seem to bond very, very strongly with me.  It has always been that way.  There must be some facet of my personality that pets can read and perhaps find comforting.  I am not sure.  And, I admit, I strongly bond with them too.  

And, I do not mind, as I love interacting with them.  I always have.  In part that is likely why I navigated towards biology and also towards veterinary medicine (and equally why I moved away from veterinary medicine... too much emotional pain in that career) during my college years.

Well, the above is me blathering.  What I was meaning to say was that our new puppy, from nearly the moment we drove home with her in our car, stuck to me like glue.  Yes, she did always play with our kids, and yes, she always was happy and excited to see my wife.  But, much, much of the time, she was focused on interacting with me. We have one cat currently, and he is the same.  I am his focus.  

It was not that I intentionally tried to have our pets be so "enamored" with me compared to others in our family.  It just seems to be the way they respond with me.  It has always been this way.  

AC mentioned that he did not realize I had a dog.  The above is somewhat in response to that comment.  I have mentioned my dog many times here but, typically only in passing, so I can easily understand not remembering these mentions.    

I am not exactly sure why I am writing this today.  It is perhaps just me trying to cope with the roiling emotions I am still trying to figure out how to quiet.  I KNOW she is elderly.  But, this unexpected crisis threw me off kilter.  It makes me feel like a failure.  It makes me think regretfully about all the times I have missed with now deceased family, friends, and pets.... not because I didn't TRY, but because I can only do so much, and what I do never seems enough.  

To try to salvage the running week, I ran two different 10 mile runs today.  One, this early morning.  And the other (much more slowly) this early afternoon.  I had hoped I could stomp out my worries and fears, but of course, that did not happen.  It did quell them a little.  

My sleeping has been rough the last few days as well as I keep close watch on our dog.  I cannot even seem to focus strongly enough on beautiful pipe memories to fall into sleep.  I feel I need to be "on guard" to watch, and observe, and care. 

PipeTobacco