Cannot
I cannot stay in this perpetual state of cycles into anger and resentment. It is not physically or emotionally healthy for me to feel the way I have been feeling. It is FAR, FAR easier, however..... to KNOW that I have to change this in some fashion...... than it is to ACTUALLY change this in some fashion.
But, I am going to work to find a way to not be so terribly buffeted by actions that accost me and hurt me and anger me so. I would like for the sh*tty crap to just disappear, but those actions are not in my control, but are in the control of the individual I cannot talk about. So, I must work on changing me.
* * * * *
When I first, just moments ago, stated the above..... "I must work on changing me." I had an initial surge of resentment. I have to admit that sometimes, when things are hurtful like they currently are..... that I feel quite a bit of resentment in having to change MYSELF to accommodate (or at least deal with) the horrible and hurtful behavior of others. But.... even though my first thought is about how I resent having to do this change..... I have to keep in mind that my changing WILL benefit me in terms of hopefully lowering my stress. I have to try to keep looking at my changing as a way to improve my health and wellness.
* * * * *
Other thoughts:
- My wife and I are thinking of trying to find an indoor pool somewhere that may be open during this weekend. Our normal pool is temporarily closed for several weeks for repair and to be refreshened. We both have been greatly missing our swims. I hope we may find one somewhere not too far away.
- I have been thinking quite frequently about pipes and pipe tobaccos again. Even though not a "dream"..... the other day, while DAYDREAMING (not sleep dreaming), my mind wandered to remembering and thinking about the beautiful, traditional pipe shop that is roughly an hour away from here. I was remembering the many lazy afternoons I have spent peacefully there, exploring and sampling and purchasing various leaf, pipe and other accoutrements. These memories feel as if from another era, unfortunately. The era was much more tranquil, friendly, sunshiny, and vivid than the way much of 2020 and 2021 feel.
- I have been rummaging through some of my pipe tobaccos and have pulled out two to use as a sort of "potpourri"... one in my home office, and the other in my U office. I try to not keep the pouch each pipe tobacco is in open long, however, as I do not want to flavors and odors to wane in the leaf.
- I paced myself to run very fast and very hard this morning, and listened to 15 Catholic Hymns on Pandora and then listened to yesterday's Capuchin Daily Mass. By the time I worked through those, I had completed 12 miles of running for the day.
- Last thought..... I am apparently too damn old to learn the tricks of Excel. Even though I do USE Excel in several facets of my work..... it is NEVER a program I look forward to opening. To me, the logic train needed to get it to do any of the things I need is NOT intuitive, and even though I can muddy through it.....eventually...... it ALWAYS feels akin to trying to speak and use a language that I have had perhaps one year of high school instruction in.
PipeTobacco
8 Comments:
Professor, in my experience most universities make available to faculty and staff some sorts of tutorials in Excel (and in other programs commonly used). Maybe one of those could give you some confidence in what you know, and might even expand your ability to do new things and use it even more effectively?
Doesn't your university have a pool? I hope you find one that fits your needs.
Coffee is on and stay safe
It's wise to not necessarily change but to try to adapt to the new circumstances. As you noted, you can't go on fighting and railing against that which you can't control. Many computer programs are my bêtes noires.
I'm sorry to hear that things are so terribly awful right now. I hope they improve soon.
Believe me, Professor. I get that resentment. The first thing you want to do is fight the cause of it, resist, defy...which makes everything more difficult. Trust me, I know. I nearly lost my job because of it. Then I identified the triggers that set me off and began my work on pushing them away, distracting myself until the flash passes...Also, I've found that turning your head and rolling your eyes in exasperation is a great stress reliever. (The point being that the other person---in my case, the all-important customer---doesn't see it. Unless that's what you want....
Anything I do on Excel is pretty simple. I was given a spreadsheet to do financials with and showed how to use it but that was it.
As to anger and frustration, my social worker daughter tells me it is a sign of depression and God knows we have enough to be depressed about these days.
I have no idea how you can run fast listening to what you listen to. I would think that the rhythm or lack would slow you down. Obviously, it doesn't.
Early spreadsheets for me were like bookkeeping of my monthly ins and outs. I still do that 25 years later. I also made one to record students marks and averages back then. This was before mark programs did a better job. I may have had access to an early marks program, but I preferred mine. I don't think I did this for very long before I switched over to a program that worked for me.
Hello, Professor - it's been awhile since I commented but only because life has been difficult here as well. I just want to encourage you in your difficult personal situation that you feel unable to effectively change. I have been going through a situation with my mother who has memory and cognitive changes and presents daily challenges to my patience, emotional health (as I am dealing with the death of my husband), and even physical health (as I get so distressed by her actions). What helped me immensely was to settle in my own mind what my boundaries would be - what I could live with, and what I would and would not do for her. She won't allow any outside help with anything, and every time I tried to access some help that would reduce my work load and stress, she would simply refuse and there was not a thing I could do about it. It has been very frustrating and it feels like she always wins, at a personal cost to me. But setting the boundaries in place has slowly helped. I am also fortunate that I found some videos on dealing with the behavior of cognitively impaired (esp. elderly) folks; i.e., how to respond to triggers that just reinforce the negative cycle. I don't know if there would be something similar for the situation you are in or not, but it is worth a quick Google. I feel your pain - it's extremely hard on the head to feel trapped in a situation and unable to disengage for one's own health, due to one's feelings of love, duty, conscience, and ethics. But keep trying. I wish you all the best.
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