Hitting My Head on a Brick Wall

Sometimes.... truthfully I should probably say OFTEN..... and, believe me, do not know why..... but, there are times I am so utterly damn imbecilic, idiotic, and just plain dumb that it is difficult to realize how I have survived all these years. 

If only I had over drank enough liquor through the years to have had myself classified as an alcoholic.... perhaps THEN the message WOULD have made itself more abundantly clear to me. 

In Alcoholics Anonymous  there is the oft quoted portion of their "Serenity Prayer" that reads:

"... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference...."

 How this pertains to me, especially today:

• I KNOW and can IDENTIFY the things that I CANNOT CHANGE...... but the problem is that knowing and identifying does NOT keep me from thinking about, and ruminating over all these damnable things all the damn day long.

• I believe I have at least some small amount of courage in my visage that would allow me to change things that I can.
  

• And, I feel relatively wise enough to know the difference in the above two facets of the prayer.
  

So, what is the issue?  Hmm.  Well, the issue is that for a while now, and I am not sure how long this particular "while" has been...... it likely has been for the last four months since all manner of sh*t has been going on with my one kid that I no longer write about here.  I have felt perpetually anxious, always stressed, indubitably tired, and melancholically subdued.... that I have damn well forgotten what it is like to have a NORMAL day.  

Well.... today..... for a period of about three hours..... somehow, someway..... I apparently didn't think about the b*llsh*t going on, or I forgot about the b*llsh*t, or at least I did not ruminate about the damn b*llsh*t.  I was able to fully immerse in my "teaching zone" where I was talking and working with students..... and I felt........... wait for it.......

HAPPY!!!!!  I even laughed out loud during a part of class!

Damn.  I had so missed that feeling.

The reality is that I know damn well that if I can get "out of my own head" about the sh*t that worries or hurts or stresses me, I can still often feel happy, and feel a sense of joy.  But..... it is so not my default nature to leave things be..... I ruminate a LOT.  

And, do not get me wrong.... ruminating.... is and can be a valuable tool for decision making, for creativity, for trying to develop new thoughts, and for finding purpose.  But... NOT EVERYTHING BENEFITS FROM BEING RUMINATED OVER.  Some crap.... it is best to just let it "go" as best as you can.  

So..... 

1. The idea is to know when to ruminate and when to not ruminate.
2. Recognize that some very powerful and hard b*llsh*t..... even if very painful..... does not benefit from ruminating about.
3. Recognize the important (and perhaps even a bit selfish) need I have to FEEL times of happiness.  Feeling even just a few moments of it can make and can shape much of the rest of a day.
4. Implementing the above three items...... will not be second nature to me.... but I feel I need to succeed at the above three and figure out how to have the above BE my "modus operandi".

* * * * *

Other odds and ends for today:

• Ran 10.1 miles.  Was out the door to head to the U by 7:15.  My knee still has a little bit of ligament strain-type pain on the upper surface ligaments of my patella for a few hours after a run.  For a while, after the initial injury occurred, I could tell that my ligaments would become somewhat inflamed due to the repetitive motion of running.  These ligaments had been strained in my fall, and they were healing and repairing.  But, NOT USING a repairing joint's ligaments while healing is problematic because the healed tissue tends to be considerably shorter and very tight across the joint.  Through my running and AMPLE, SLOW stretching after running, the continued healing of the injury now means my pain has reduced to only the upper surface ligaments.   Continuing to be careful and patient, with additional working to slowly stretch the ligaments back out to their full length and capacity should help my knee revert to being fully pain free. 
  

• No absent-minded reaching for a pipe to smoke today.  Instead, I fidgeted and fussed with a pipe I decided to carry in my sport-coat pocket instead.  I have to admit, fidgeting with my pipe much of the day was pleasant.  I do also have to admit that fidgeting so much with my pipe today DID make me feel a stronger desire to fill the bowl with some beautiful aromatic pipe tobacco as well.  I am not sure, but I may be skating a bit on a knife's edge at the moment.  But, I think I can remain steadfast.

• My wife put in the crockpot this morning, my most FAVORITE of the crockpot recipes she makes..... "Chick Chile".   It is a pleasantly spicy white chile, and this variation is made with chickpeas instead of chicken (in case one of our vegetarian kids stops by... otherwise we could have made it with chicken).  But.... to me.... either version is a PURE DELIGHT!  I am going to likely stuff myself to the gills. 
  

• I am not taking a damn thing home with me to work on from the U tonight.  I do not feel the need for having "homework" tonight.  I am thinking about making this a rule I try to engage in at least a few days a week.

PipeTobacco